Conversation With a Young Man

Variegated Pink Lemon-Bird Back 40

Come here young man. Let's plant a lemon bush before the start of the Super Bowl shall we? This just isn't any lemon bush by the way. This is called the Variegated Pink Lemon. And someday it will yield lemons that will deliver a batch of freshly squeezed pink lemonade.

Have you ever planted a lemon tree before? Well, this will be a first for you then, won't it? The first task to accomplish is to find an appropriate spot for our Variegated Pink Lemon. We want a spot that will protect it from the harsh winter conditions that blow through the Bird Back 40. We can't just plant it and forget it. No, it needs protection.

Protection for the Variegated Pink Lemon Bush

Therefore, young man, I think the best spot for this lemon bush would be in this side yard. We can plant it next to the house, where it will be protected from northerly winds and freezing conditions, but still receive enough sunshine to grow and produce lemons.

However -- there is one problem young man. This spot is already occupied by a rose bush named after John F. Kennedy. Have you learned about JFK in school yet? John F. Kennedy was one of our most famous Presidents, and served his country in World War II just as your grandfather did.

Digging up the JFK Hybrid Tea Rose Bush

President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas in 1963 and this rose was developed as a tribute to him. Did you know that? It produces beautiful and fragrant long-stemmed white roses, which you will someday begin to appreciate. The young ladies love long-stemmed roses, young man. Did you know that?

What's that? You don't like girls? That's OK. I didn't at your age either. But, trust me on this young man, someday you will.

Fortunately, this rose bush is asleep right now because it's so cold. This makes it easier for us to trim this rose bush, dig it up, and move it to its new location. No -- don't worry. We won't hurt it. Rose bushes are fairly tough customers, young man. It takes a lot of effort and work to kill a rose bush. Lord knows, I've made enough mistakes around them to learn this fact. This rose bush will be just fine in its new home.

Prepping the Lemon Bush for Planting

The next step, after digging up the JFK rose bush, is to dig a hole for our Variegated Pink Lemon Bush. Where do you think we should dig that hole? In the center of this patch of dirt against the house? Correct! Hey, you're a smart kid! How did you get to be so smart?

We need to dig a hole that is wider and deeper than the pot that this Variegated Pink Lemon is planted in. If we mix in loose planter mix soil with the original clay soil, this will give our lemon bush room to grow and expand this spring. What's that? Yes, it might produce a lemon or two next year. But it will definitely produce a lot more in the coming years.

Variegated Pink Lemon

Planting a fruit tree or lemon bush is an exercise in patience, young man. It doesn't pay off with fresh fruit or citrus right away. But it eventually will. And by the time you're actually old enough to develop a taste for lemons, you will begin to appreciate your Variegated Pink Lemon bush.

What's that? You don't like lemons? Well, I didn't really enjoy them that much when I was your age either. But, you like lemonade, don't you young man? Well, where do you think lemonade comes from? That's right! Fresh lemons. And there is nothing like freshly squeezed lemonade, young man. It's a treat you will come to appreciate.

Variegated Pink Lemon Bush

But the most important part of your lemon experience is yet to come. Because, someday, in the not too distant future I might add, you will find that your freshly squeezed Variegated Pink Lemonade goes exceptionally well with an ingredient called tequila.

It will be at this point, young man, when you begin to really enjoy your Variegated Pink Lemon bush. Because this concoction of lemons, sugar, water and tequila will have an especially pleasant effect on you, as long as you mix these ingredients in moderation.

Final Step: Drip Irrigation for the Variegated Pink Lemon

But that's not the best part, young man. The best part is still to come. Because, at some point, you will discover that this concoction of lemons, sugar, water and tequila has a very special and pleasing effect on young ladies as well. This is a lesson you have yet to learn. But -- trust me on this young man -- it's an experience that you will enjoy.

Oh -- the lessons you've yet to learn young man!