Satan Lives in My Green Waste Can

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm not kidding!

I have the proof!

In photos!

Serious gardeners beware -- because a bit of Mephistopheles may be hanging out in your Green Waste can as well.

There's no doubt that my Green Waste can had to have been posessed by something sinister. I say "had to have been" because it has been officially "retired" from service -- taken to wherever posessed Green Waste cans are taken.

My point is this: What on Earth could have caused the sinister destruction like the terrible scene that serves as "Exhibit A" to your very right? Who or what can tear holes in or rupture a can as strong as this?

I know what you're thinking. "Bill and Venus Bird played a game of how much CRAP can we fit in here....."

But unless you have photographic proof of Bill Bird jumping up and down on his old green waste can -- ferget about it.

And -- no -- we did not take part in the annual Fall contest known as "let's see how many tomato plants we can cram into this thing."

Although -- I will admit we have heard of such a contest.

But take part in said contest? Pshaw! Perish the thought!

Now -- while we might be a tad (just a tad) responsible for some of the damage to our old Green Waste refuse can -- the fine folks with the City of Sacramento Yard Waste Program that empty our refuse cans on a weekly basis are also partially to blame.

Yes, partially.

The first "hit" to our dear -- departed Green Waste can came about 18 months ago. The driver of that big -- massive -- Green Waste truck used the Jaws of Life (or so it seems) to grab this thing -- lift it up -- turn it upside down -- shake the life out of it -- then empty said contents into the truck.

It worked -- for the most part. The green waste did come out. The top also popped off and dropped off into the truck. Merry Freaking Christmas. Off the merry Green Waste driver went -- with our green waste refuse and the top of our Green Waste can -- never to be seen again.

"Bah," I thought at the time. "Who needs a top anyway?"

Needless to say -- I wasn't making that statement when we proceeded to receive ten inches of rain in the space of a month last winter. Our Green Waste can was suddenly converted into a Green Waste rain barrel.

It didn't take time before the first split appeared in the side of our can. With each passing week -- and each weekly whip with the Jaws of Life from our merry Green Waste driver -- the split got longer.

Then -- a second split -- followed by a third. "Oh well," I thought at the time. "At least it won't hold anymore rainwater" (dumping that thing in the dead of winter on trash nights was getting to be a pain to be honest).

I thought our "little problem" to be solved -- when suddenly -- our used -- abused and possessed Green Waste can slowly -- painfully -- started to collapse like a well-worn slinky. Have you ever tried a wheel a slinky down a sloped driveway?

It's painful -- trust me on this.

This was the final straw -- or dead tomato plant if you will -- that broke the waste can's back. It was time for the unthinkable. Our Green Waste can needed a trip to the Green Waste graveyard.

"Not a problem," I thought at the time. One well placed call to North Natomas City Councilman Ray Tretheway will solve that problem. Sure enough -- Assistant Randi Kay Stephens promised "quick action."

Sure enough! A month later and guess what? The new Green Waste can is here!

Just in time for a game of "Let's see how many tomato plants we can cram into this thing...."

Oops. Did I say that?


Katie said...

Shhh! I know nothing sir.

Dree said...

It took a city councilman and a month to get a new can? AND you can't have chickens? Who knew I would ever ever say this: LA! LA! (Note the absence of any Dodger reference.)

Tony loved this--are you shocked?

Fred Hoffman said...

Why do I have the feeling that your much more sensible wife probably suggested replacing the trash can as soon as the lid disappeared...instead of waiting so long?


I must try to remember to snag a photo of my neighbor's green can. The thing has melted. I believe fireworks were involved.

Funny post.

LauraBee said...

A former neighbor of mine used to use the GW bin for disposing of his beer/wine/liquor bottles. He wouldn't listen no matter how many times he was told that "green" did not refer to the glass color.