Fear This Beard, Brian Wilson!!!

A Beard for Brian? I think not!

Just in time for the start of Major League Baseball season!!! A beard that you won't see Brian Wilson wearing on the mound for your San Francisco Giants anytime soon.

Can you only begin to imagine how they would react when he uncorks one of his famous fastballs?

I hope he has insurance.

My friends -- this is the vision that greeted me and the wonderful wife that is Venus when we returned to home to our North Natomas farm after a quick trip to East Sacramento last Sunday. Know what this is? In technical terms -- it's called a swarm.

It's also the result of a lazy or inattentive beekeeper. In case you're wondering? That would be yours truly.

The Feared Beard of Brian Wilson

In this particular case? This is a Prime Swarm -- which means about 60% of the worker bees have now departed our Hello Kitty Hive. But -- as bad as that sounds -- that's not the worst part. No -- the worst part is they take the old queen with them. And it's the old queen that's responsible for this brood beard that Brian Wilson will never touch.

Neighbor Greg DiBiase greeted us last Sunday with some interesting and distressing news. "Something is happening in your backyard," he told us. "Your bees put up a real racket this afternoon and were flying all over the place."

Bees flying all over the yard didn't neceesarily concern me. I had witnessed this many times before. A vast majority of the worker bees will pick a specific time of day to mass or fly around outside the hive. I've seen it many times before -- and it's just part of "bee behavior." It's also fun and fascinating to watch -- from a safe distance. Bill Bird is many things. Extraordinarily stupid isn't one of them.

But make a racket? Other than a normal buzzing sound -- even large swarms of bees don't put up much of a racket. The decibel levels will increase if I'm inspecting the hive for one reason or another -- but that's a given. Bees don't like intruders -- especially bear-shaped intruders like Bill Bird.

There is only one other instance where bees have been know to put up a racket or a ruckus. I have never witnessed it before -- but I've seen it in clips on youtube and other places. Bees make a high-pitched racket when they swarm out of a hive.

Bee Swarm on the O'Henry Peach Tree

And -- so -- when Greg informed me that he had not only witnessed a cloud of bees in the backyard -- but also reported a high pitched scream -- my first thought was "uh-oh." Upon stepping into the North Natomas Back 40 and turning a corner -- this is what greeted us. Sure enough -- the hive had swarmed. The old queen had left -- landed on a nearby peach tree -- and taken a good chunk of our Hello Kitty Hive with her.

This -- I might add -- was the first dry and sunny day of spring that we had experienced after two-weeks of seemingly non-stop rainfall and cold weather. It seemed our bees had been waiting for the right moment. And when opportunity knocked in the form of a nice day? BUZZ!

Of course -- I was unprepared. I have never witnessed a hive swarm before (and I still haven't to be honest -- because I missed this one). What does one do when a hive swarms? A Happy Dance? I think not. Can you approach a swarm like this? Good question! Do bees that swarm sting if you get too close? Another good question!

Up Close and Personal

I had a lot of questions on this day -- and very little in the way of answers. But the good thing is -- I was armed with the right bit of knowledge. I knew who to call -- and no -- it wasn't the Ghostbusters either.

Although my experience with a backyard hive has been short and sweet -- sweet like honey I might add -- I have managed to make a number of contacts. Garry Erck gifted me with this old queen and several frames of brood last summer from a wild swarm that he had captured near his home in Diamond Springs. I was starting to wonder if he wanted the old queen back.

If anyone was prepared to handle a swarm? It was Garry. But Diamond Springs is also a long haul away from North Natomas. Plus -- it was late Sunday afternoon.

Beekeeper Keith Scott with a gentle brush...

Fate would intervene in the form of another beekeeper -- a gentleman by the name of Keith Scott. Not only do the two plot against the rest of humanity together at Intel -- Keith was the "other half" of Garry's bee swarm collection hobby. I'd never met Keith -- but I sure did love stealing his engineering design for a contraption designed to grow tomatoes from seed.

Without engineers -- Bill Bird wouldn't have any original thoughts. File that one away for later.

But I digress. As luck would have it? Keith was in the neighborhood. Not only was Keith in the neighborhood -- he had everything he needed to catch a wild swarm. Why did he have all this stuff in the trunk of his car? Because Garry Erck told him to "be prepared."

See what I mean about plotting against the rest of humanity? These guys are good.

Keith sprays swarm with sugar water

It's often been said that if you ask ten beekeepers the same question regarding bees -- you're going to get ten entirely different answers. There is no tried and true method. There is no "Bible of Beekeeping." But there is a thing called "Bee Protocol." Part of bee protocol is this: The Beekeeper Who Traps the Swarm -- Keeps the Swarm.

It's not a part of the Ten Commandments as far as I know -- but it's a rule that is followed by most beekeepers religiously.

Plus -- not only was Bill Bird not prepared to trap a swarm -- he also wasn't prepared for a second hive in the backyard. Venus and I practice "The Highlander" form of maintaining a beehive: "There Can Be Only One." Therefore -- Keith got the swarm -- and my old queen to boot.

Plus -- he was prepared. He had the suit! He had the transport box! He had the brush! He had the sugar water. He also had some unsuspecting young boys who were only too happy to "give dad a hand." I'll never forget his instructions on that day: "Boy Number One! Step Forward! Hand me that frame! Now step back! Boy Number Two! Step Forward! Hand me your frame! Now step back!"

It's nice to be prepared...

I've never seen such artful precision out of young boys before. I should have Keith train my cats.

As it turns out -- the safest time to approach a mass of bees is right after they've swarmed. They have no hive to protect, therefore lack the instinct to defend a hive against an intruder. As long as I didn't get close to the queen? I could get as close as I wanted. Another beekeeper (Ernie Buda from the Sacramento Area Beekeepers Association) advised that I should "run my hands over them and let them crawl on me."

No thanks Mr. Beekeeper. I deferred to Keith and his moonsuit.

The former queen of the Hello Kitty Hive is now somewhere in a rural Roseville-area backyard. I have no doubt she is once again building up a champion hive. Perhaps -- if I'm lucky -- I might get her back someday. As for now? I have -- or soon will have -- her queen offspring.

At some point -- and it already may have happened during this past week -- a new queen will emerge from one of several queen cells that worker bees have undoubtedly prepared for just this type of circumstance. The new queen will emerge -- and her first task will be to search out and destroy other queen cells before other new queens can emerge.

If two queens are born at the same time -- there will be a battle royale for control of the Hello Kitty Hive. There is room for only one queen and one queen only.

If I had thought ahead? I'd put the whole kit n' kaboodle on pay-per-view TV and make bank!

But once again -- Bill Bird is not prepared.

The Glow That Will Not Fade

Venus at San Francisco City Hall

"Let's do this," she said.

"Are you kidding," I thought. "Do you know how many things can go wrong? Do you realize how many people are going to this? Do you understand how early we'll have to get up for this? The kind of traffic we'll have to fight through? Do you understand?"

"I don't care," she responded. "Let's do this."

This -- in a snapshot -- of why I so deeply love the dear wife that is Venus. Because only she can make me do things that I would not ordinarily do. Bill Bird doesn't take a lot of chances. He normally does not "jump without thinking."

That's what Venus is for I suppose.

Giants Win the World Series

The day was Election Day, Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010. I was walking precincts in my hometown of Modesto, CA for State Senate Candidate Anthony Cannella -- and also doing my level-best to fight off a world class headache caused by drinking far too much celebratory champagne the night before following an improbable and joyous San Francisco Giants WIN in Game Five of the World Series.

I kept repeating it to myself the next day: "We did it. We are World Series Champions." I kept repeating that line as I walked through neighborhoods where I had grown up as a child -- where I had listened to play-by-play radio greats like Lon Simmons, Joe Angel, Lindsey Nelson and Hank Greenwald on KNBR describe how Johnny "Disaster" LeMaster booted yet another ground ball.

No matter how many home runs would spring from the bat of "Stretch" McCovey or Jack Clark -- it would never be enough to account for the creampuffs that John "The Count" Montefusco or Jim Barr would lay over the plate in response. The Giants were lovable losers in the 1970's. And I loved each and every one of them.

It did not matter that my older brother -- who laughed with glee when Atlee Hammaker gave up the first and only GRAND SLAM in the 1983 All Star Game -- and tagged him with the cruel nickname of "Atlee Grand Slammaker." I still loved them. Each and very one.

And so -- while basking in the glow of an improbably World Series win in five short games -- came the email from Venus: "Giants are holding a victory parade in downtown San Francisco tomorrow! Let's go!"

There were so many things wrong with this idea -- I can't even begin to tell you. How would we get there? How many people would wind up attending? Could we even get into The City by The Bay?

"Are you sure," I texted back? "How will we get there?" Her response? "Plane, train or automobile, it doesn't matter. We've got to be there."

Slowly -- on the ride back to Sacramento from Modesto -- I warmed to the idea. I informed my immediate boss of the "wife's plans." He encouraged me to go.

And so -- at 7:00 AM the next morning -- Venus and I found ourselves boarding the Capitol Corridor train from Sacramento to Richmond. From there -- we would catch the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) line into the City.

Or that was the plan at least. And what a plan it was. I could not have worked out any better. Because -- on the day after walking precincts in Modesto -- I found myself pressed into a crowd of hundreds upon thousands of delirious San Francisco Giants fans in front of San Francisco City Hall for a Victory Parade and Salute that I will never forget.

Best Giants T-Shirt EVER!

We ran into this lady on the BART trip on the way into The City. This was -- by far -- the most imaginative Giants t-shirt I came across that day. The lady in question (we didn't get her name) didn't have any Giants merchandise. So -- instead -- she did the next best thing. She took an orange shirt that contained the words "Everything is Bigger in Texas," and scrawled the words San Francisco in black pen across the middle.

Seriously? Could anyone say it any better than that?

Packed like sardines on BART

Venus and I were packed into that BART line like sardines by the time our train finally arrived at the Civic Center -- a stone's throw from City Hall. We emerged into a world of orange and black. The streets were closed for several blocks around us -- and although the streets were packed with Giants fans -- the fun was yet to get underway.

We made it. We made it straight through. Thousands of fans would have trouble accessing BART into The City on this day. Despite a record number of trains dedicated to getting people into downtown San Francisco -- thousands would be disappointed. More than a half million people were able to board trains to this event -- a BART record for one-day ridership.

In Front of San Francisco City Hall

Who knows how many got left behind? For some reason -- we made it while so many others were stuck in stations from Berkeley to Oakland. Some arrived late. Some not at all. There's no telling how many just gave up at the sight of one hopelessly packed train after another.

The first order of business? Taking care of a weak bladder. Fortunately -- the powers that be in San Francisco are used to events like this one. Portable restrooms set up by the hundreds on either side of the streets beckoned. No waiting.

The second order of business? Getting used to that rather OVERWHELMING odor permeating through the streets of downtown San Francisco. Closer Brian Wilson put it best during his presentation after the Victory Parade: "I'm kind of having a mini heart attack. Not sure what it's from, maybe the electricity in the crowd, maybe the smell of Prop 19."

I wasn't smelling heirloom tomatoes -- that's for sure.

Rally Towel Toss!

We knew it was "our day in the sun" when barriers that had been holding the crowd back suddenly opened in front of us and we rushed -- with thousands of others -- toward the main stage. Organizers were tossing Giants Rally Towels into the crowd by the hundreds -- and I was lucky enough to snag one of the first.

Our improbable run of luck continued moments later when someone tossed a pack of six towels into the air and they landed directly into the wife's outstretched hands. She was literally mobbed from that point on -- despite my best efforts to keep the throngs at bay.

One couple = seven towels. We did wind up giving some away to others around us -- but came home with our fair share for the GarageMahal of Sports Memories.

One by one -- our heroes took to the stage of San Francisco City Hall. Manager Bruce Bochy, pitching LEGEND Tim (TIMMAY!) Lincecum, Wilson, Juan Uribe, Andres Torres, Aubrey Huff -- a parade of stars. My legs -- after about four hours of standing in the same spot -- finally started to give out.

Venus stayed behind while I fought my way out of a throng of thousands -- two solid blocks of wall-to-wall people (who did not move out of the way easily). It was a rare hot day in downtown San Francisco -- made even hotter by the masses around me.

Once I could find a place to sit -- and perhaps enjoy a bottle or two of cold water -- all would become right again. I did finally find that spot -- some two blocks away. And although the wife and I were separated by a crowd in the tens of thousands -- we managed to find each other after it was all said and done.

Venus with FOX 40 Photographer Dan Slack

We're former news reporters -- don't you know. When in doubt? Meet at the site of where all the satellite TV trucks are parked. Although we both haven't worked in the media for an untold number of years -- we still have friends who do -- like FOX 40 Photo Journalist Dan Slack.

This is an event that is hard to describe. I almost titled this "Two Gardeners: Our of Their Element." I've never been a part of anything quite like this before. I'm not sure I'll ever see anything like this again in my lifetime.

For -- if this is the only Giants Victory Parade that I will witness in my lifetime -- at least I can say this much.

I was there. The Glow Will Never Fade.