Have Another Cold One!

Grapevines in Winter

It's about this time of year when Mother Nature begins to act like our favorite bartender. "Have Another Cold One," she screams as she delivers one whopper cold morning after another. It doesn't matter if you've already had enough of the frosty conditions that have blanketed the Sacramento area during the past weeks. Because Mother Nature is still in that giving mood: "Have Another Cold One!"

Notice -- I said Mother Nature begins to act like our FAVORITE bartender. This doesn't necessarily mean mean she's the MOST RESPONSIBLE barkeep. Them are two entirely different things.

Frosty Bird Back 40

As an amateur citrus grower, I've kind of come to regret the month of December in the Sacramento area. Oh sure -- the cold weather means great news for stone fruit crops like peaches, pluots and cherries because they get a nice, long winter slumber. And the longer they sleep? The happier they'll be in the morning come spring-time. But if you grow stone fruit AND citrus, this can get a little tricky.

You see -- citrus likes cold weather -- to a point. But that daily dose of "have another cold one" can get a little old. This is when cracks start to appear in the machine. All that newly emerged fall growth turns a none-too-pleasant shade of brown, which can only mean one thing. And it's not too much Brown Ale, either. It means it's time to hold a funeral for that promising growth that took place in October and November.

C-9 Christmas Lights Around Duke Avocado Tree

Responsible citrus growers, like Farmer Fred Hoffman for example, will take special precautions to protect those tender citrus babies. These responsible steps include heat-producing C-9 Christmas tree lights around the tree, an even bigger, warmer and brighter light, topped off with a special cloth covering. Isn't that nice?

By the way, this is nothing compared to the steps that the large scale citrus producers are taking. They battle the fierce cold weather with giant wind turbines, water and other measures to keep the freezing temps at bay. When a single, solitary acre of citrus plantings can produce a profit of $25K? This is nothing to laugh at, especially if you have 100-200 acres of citrus to protect. In other words, that's a lot of peel, if you get my snowdrift.

Cold Dancy Mandarin Tree

Other growers, like say yours truly, practice the hope and prayer method. This does involve stringing those warm C-9 Christmas bulbs around some citrus trees. But come on people! Covering one or two trees is one thing. When some fool decides to plant eight or nine citrus trees (me), there's just not enough C-9 lights or cloth covers to go around. Know what I'm saying?

That said, I must inform you that the time honored Bird ritual of the "hope and prayer" method isn't always 100 percent successful. And I have the blackened remains of old avocado trees and various mandarin branches to prove it. All because Mother Nature decided to announce: "Have Another Cold One!"

It gets colder than cold in the Bird Back 40. I know this to be a fact. The proof I have, as I mentioned before, are the blackened remains of four or five avocado trees that were once scattered about the yard. I also have highly sensitive thermometer equipment purchased some years back in a box of Cracker Jacks that confirms my micro-climate cold settings.

Loaded Meyer Lemon Bush

I thought it odd, however, that the equipment would yield a low of six degrees in the month of June. But if you can't trust the high quality temperature equipment yielded from a box of Cracker Jacks, what can you trust?

That said -- I must report these conditions from the Bird Back 40: So far, so good. Yes -- there's been some damage to some of the smaller mandarin trees that aren't producing citrus just yet. This includes the Clementine Mandarin and the Cara Cara orange tree. But I can also report that the Hangover citrus tree and the nearby Dancy Mandarin tree are doing just fine in this frigid "Have Another Cold One" snap.

Hangover Bearss Lime Tree

What's that you say? The Hangover Citrus Tree? Oh -- that would be the Bearss Lime tree. Which, by the way, produced a FINE crop of large and juicy limes this year. I call it the Hangover Citrus Tree for a very special reason. It's responsible for a number of weekend hangovers.

What's what you say? If I didn't mix so much tequila in that freshly squeezed lime juice, I wouldn't be suffering from hangovers? What are you? A communist? Or just my voice of reason, that I try to drown out with freshly squeezed Bearss Lime juice at every occasion possible?

There's nothing quite like freshly squeezed Bearss Lime juice. Trust me on this. I've had my share.

Murcott Mandarin

And so this holiday season, remember to follow the advice offered by Farmer Fred Hoffman. Don't follow the Bird "hope and prayer" method. For I fear that my favorite bartender is about to utter her time honored phrase: "HAVE ANOTHER COLD ONE!" And we'll get it, whether we like it or not.

Instant Gratification and Gardening

Feed Your Citrus Trees! Feed Them!

Instant gratification and gardening do not mix. The words instant gratification and gardening, when used in the same sentence would represent an oxymoron. There are no quick results when it comes to digging in the dirt. There are only successes and failures.

If I had to compare gardening with anything, it would probably be a turn at a Las Vegas craps table. Sometimes you hit it big -- real big -- know what I mean? And then, at other times, you're informing the wife that is Venus that she'll be making the house payment this month. And perhaps the next...

Owari Satsuma Mandarin-Bird Back 40

I bring this up because even an experienced gardening screwup like Bill Bird can still make some fairly basic mistakes by expecting to see too much in too little of a time. Case in point? Growth on the citrus and stone fruit plantings that currently dot the Bird Back 40.

I harken back at this point to some wonderful advice provided to us by Ken Menzer, the arborist employed by the City of Folsom. Ken is known to provide classes from time to time on various subjects that include fruit tree trimming and other tips and advice.

Long Gone Blueberry Planting-Bird Back 40

Yes, it is Ken Menzer who told the wife that is Venus and I to plant blueberry bushes beneath our fruit tree collections. Sadly, that experiment failed. I would later come to discover that both have different pH requirements and a couple of Southern Highbush plants would go on to kick the proverbial bucket.

But -- I must say that Ken's advice about planting strawberry plants beneath fruit tree groupings was spot on the money. His other advice that I took to heart and would later abandon? Fertilize fruit and citrus trees once a month -- every month -- without fail. "It doesn't take much," I recall him telling us. "Just a handful here and there every month."

Apple Trees and Strawberry Plants in Winter

At first? At first I followed his advice to the letter. I dutifully purchased bags of fertilizer for my many citrus and fruit tree plantings scattered across our North Natomas backyard. Every month -- without fail -- eight table grape vines got a little something. The same with those peach trees over there -- and the nectarines in the front yard -- they got the same treatment. Nobody got the cold shoulder.

But at some point in this journey -- I can't place exactly when -- I sort of fell out of this practice. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I got a little disappointed when the fruit trees failed to "take off" after six months of loving care? Perhaps it's when Capital Nursery went out of business, taking that supply of fruit tree fertilizer I loved so much.

Dancy Mandarins! Yum!

I can't remember when I did it. Point is? I did it. I stopped when I should have continued. Why? Because last year those fruit trees that I'd lovingly cared for suddenly sprang to life. One peach and one pluot tree doubled in size over the course of a summer. The three nectarine trees started acting like they had ingested some of Jack's "magic beans." The Dancy Mandarin delivered a whopper of a harvest this year -- the largest ever.

The same can pretty much be said for most fruit and citrus tree offerings scattered in and throughout the Bird Back 40. I had one of my best production years ever. I ate table grapes until I was sick of table grapes. Sick of table grapes? That's a crime!

Fruit Tree Fertilizer (now gone)

Even after one whopper harvest or growth spurt after another, I still failed to put two and two together. I never have been the best at math, I will admit. But this equation is fairly basic. As the Scotts Fertilizer pitchman once begged: "Feed Your Lawn! Feed it!"

It wasn't until just recently -- fairly recently I'm ashamed to admit -- did that proverbial light suddenly snap on in the rather darkened spot between my ears. This wasn't some mistake. Last summer's growth spurt and good harvest was probably due to Ken Menzer's good advice. And, unfortunately for me, I'd stopped following it at some point.

Improved Meyer Lemon After Frost Damage

I'm happy to report that I'm "back on the wagon" again. I'd committed the gardening sin of expecting instant gratification from my garden. Worse yet, I'd abandoned a practice that had served up some mighty fine peach cobbler desserts over the course of a summer.

The $64 question is -- did I wait too long to resume what had served me so well? I can tell you this much: I won't go expecting instant results...

It's an Orange New Year!!!

Precious the cat being "precious."

...and a Happy 2011 to you as well! I tell you -- it's been a busy start to what promises to be an even busier New Year. 2011 brings all sorts of challenges to the Bird Household -- which includes a new job -- which deals with a LOT of writing.

Writing about VEGETABLE GARDENING matters you ask? Hah! No -- that would be my dream job. I'll do that in retirement -- along with my other dream job -- selling Steer Manure Compost at my local Home Depot. Us Birds can never retire you know. We have some sort of wacky gene that shuts off the heart muscle at any moment retirement plans are made.

From L-R: Deborah, Andy & Mary Bird

So -- we don't use the word "retire." We use the term; "moving onto the next career," instead. Hopefully, that terrible Bird Family gene will be satisfied and not give the dreaded Final Order. My older sister -- who is quite the vegetable gardener and gourmet chef herself (she's to the left in the family photo) -- is currently preparing for her next career as "Horse Whisperer."

I figure she can supply me with plenty of horse apples with this new profession. But I digress...

Don't you just love this weather? I loved the handy-dandy gardening guide that appeared in last Saturday's Home and Garden section of the Sacramento Bee. It contained lots of colorful suggestions for each month out of the gardening year. You can find it right here if you missed it. It made me want to run right outside and put what was in print into practice -- until I realized it was POURING BUCKETS OF RAIN.

There's nothing like an inch of rain or two to -- uh -- dampen that gardening spirit. Put away the trowel son. Turn on the Mud Bowl instead -- featuring two college nobodies that you've never heard of. Mother Nature has since shut off the spigot -- and given us a blast of icy cold arctic air.

Yet another gardening downer.

Dancy Tangerine tree in November

But -- despite the flooded backyard and muddy gardening areas -- the wonderful wife that is Venus and I have been happily harvesting during this cold weather period. The Dancy Tangerines that were ripening on ye olde citrus tree during October and November are now ready for harvest. This is the third year for my Dancy -- and I must say -- it's been the best ever.

The frosty mornings that kissed our backyards during the months of November and December did not take the terrible toll that I had feared it might. We're not quite out of frost danger yet -- not hardly -- and although a solitary leaf took a freeze hit here and there -- most of our citrus trees are undamaged.

Indeed -- my Bearss Lime tree continues to grow -- as does the Improved Meyer Lemon. In fact -- as I type this -- the Meyer Lemon is actually FLOWERING.

Dancy Tangerines

But -- it's the Dancy that is the real star of this show. It's the oldest citrus tree in our young backyard. It's been -- by far -- the most productive. If I'm brave enough to slip on a pair of mud shoes and traverse through what seems to be a long stretch of brown clay slop -- I'm rewarded with a bowl of 15-20 tangerines.

My initial fear was that the frost had sucked out every last remaining bit of moisture from these tangerines. This has happened in the past. There's nothing quite like the downer of chewing on a tangerine that is as dry as dust. It's sort of like chewing on a well-used mud shoe.

But -- my fears were put to rest during the first harvest. I came back from the mud adventure with a bowl of juicy -- sweet and sour citrus. Better yet? If I let the tangerines sit for a day or two and come to room temperature? The sweetness factor jumped X 10.

I've always been a fan of mixing different kinds of fruit to see "what happens," and I didn't stop with the Dancy Tangerines. I'd like to tell you that I have a Pineapple Tree in the backyard. But that would be -- in fact -- a LIE. However -- pineapples were on sale that week at my local Bel-Air Grocery Store...

Tangerine & Pineapple Breakfast!!! YUM!!!

And who can resist a big, fat pineapple for a $1.99? I can't. So -- two pineapples came home with me on that day. And they found there way into this breakfast bowl of tangerines and pineapples that I prepared for the wonderful wife and I this past weekend.

So -- gardeners -- I share your frustrations. It's wet. It's cold. Conditions just aren't conduicive to stepping outside and digging in the dirt right now. But there's still lots to be done. It's BARE ROOT season people! It's time to order seeds (if you haven't already)! Time to set up the seed rack! Get the grow lights ready!

The 2011 gardening season -- and harvest -- is now -- officially -- underway.

Merry Christmas to ME!!! Merry Christmas to ME!!!

The Bird Casa

Everyone knows that the best Christmas gifts in the whole wide world are those that you buy for yourself.

That's a Bill Bird rule. I just made it up. Live with it.

I always overdo it at Christmas. That's especially true when it comes to the Christmas light display outside. Like Clark Griswold -- my feeling is -- you can never have too many lights. It may take the better part of a Sunday afternoon to set it up and string out miles of extension cords -- but it's a house that Santa Claus cannot possibly ignore come Christmas Eve.

This is also the time of year to look for specific gardening "deals." I've already explained my love for all things citrus in a previous post. Although I've got two Improved Meyer Lemons and a Bearss Lime growing in the Bird Back 40 -- I'm always looking to expand upon my citrus plantings.

When it comes to citrus -- there are deals to be had in the month of December -- if you know where and when to find them.

Dancy Tangerine Tree

I figured this out -- quite by accident - three years ago. That's when I stumbled upon this gorgeous Dancy Tangerine sitting in a neglected aisle of a very wet -- and very empty I might add -- Home Depot garden section. It stood four feet high and was loaded with bright orange tangerines.

The price? $20. I couldn't buy it fast enough. Sure enough -- as I swooped in on what would be the citrus deal of that year -- so did about three other shoppers who attempted to beat me to the punch.

They weren't fast enough on that night three years ago.

Today -- that Dancy Tangerine is planted in one of my wide side yards. It's now about eight feet tall and is once again loaded with about 40-50 bright orange tangerines. They are ripening a tad quicker this year than last -- which means three or four just might be ready for harvest on Christmas Day.

Dancy Tangerines

A Mimosa for the wonderful wife that is Venus on Christmas morning? I think so! And -- perhaps her husband as well.

My point is -- this tree was a steal of a deal. I don't often shop for fruit or citrus trees at Big Box stores like Home Depot or Lowes. Not that I'm a snob or anything like that -- but you tend to get better quality fruit and citrus trees at nurseries like Don Shor's Redwood Barn or even Capital Nursery.

Are they more expensive? Of course! Better quality trees cost a few extra bucks. But they tend to be better quality fruit and citrus trees -- and don't come with the myriad of problems that the "$14.99 Big Box Deal" can bring. Trust me -- I've lost a few of those trees to disease. I've learned my lesson. From now on -- it's nursery stock and nursery stock only.

The one exception to this rule? Citrus. If you know what you're looking for -- you can get a STEAL OF A DEAL. But this is only true if you know where to shop -- what to look for -- and when to buy.

Improved Meyer Lemon

Case in point: the month of December.

I know -- from experience -- that for some odd reason -- the North Natomas Home Depot ALWAYS gets a shipment of citrus trees in from Four Winds Growers -- the premiere supplier of citrus trees to Northern California. But -- much of that stock that you find at your local Big Box store isn't worth a second look.

In other words -- it just isn't worth it. Many of them are dwarf varieties. Nothing against dwarf fruit or citrus trees mind you -- but I've come to discover that small trees = small harvests. If you do happen to find a full-size tree -- it's often priced to the point where it's better to shop for your desires at a local nursery.

Owari Satsuma Mandarin

But if you arrive at just the right time -- right after the truck has been unloaded -- you're going to find a little gem like this one to your right. That -- Ladies and Germs -- is a citrus tree that I've been trying to get into my backyard for the past two years. It's an Owari Satsuma Mandarin -- the absolute best tasting mandarin you can find anywhere on the planet. But -- I'm not alone in this opinion.

Farmer Fred Hoffman -- of KFBK Garden Show fame on NewsTalk 1530 KFBK and Get Growing on Talk 650 KSTE -- has proclaimed the Owari Satsuma as one of his personal favorites. I've been looking for the right kind of tree for a very long time now. But everything I've found just wasn't what I was looking for -- or it presented too much of a hit on ye olde wallet.

Wet North Natomas Home Depot

Until now. I spotted it yesterday during a heavy downpour in the very back of the North Natomas Home Depot. It had just been delivered the previous day. It just stood out from the rest. It was a thing of beauty. And it's now in my backyard. As I wheeled it inside (dripping wet I might add) -- many a customer asked where I'd found it. Sure enough -- despite the heavy rain falling outside -- many of them beat a path to where I had just been.

Of course -- I failed to tell them that this was the best looking tree of the lot by a MILE.

It is six feet tall. It has been meticulously pruned and cared for. This will eventually grow into a full size mandarin citrus tree that can grow to a height of 20 feet or more and will yield hundreds of tasty Satsuma Mandarins once it reaches full maturity.

Purchased at a local nursery -- a tree like this would run anywhere from $100-$125.

I didn't even come close to paying half that amount.

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning.

Merry Freaking Christmas to ME! 

DEMONcello

Beware!

"Danger, Danger," Will Robinson!

Do Not Pass Go! Do Not Collect $200

I'm up early this Back-to-Work Monday with a roiling stomach and a warning: Beware the Demon that comes dressed as a good deed. No good can come of it. Unless a diet of Pepto and Tums really is "your kinda thing."

Do you remember the line "good things come in small packages?" It's a line I used often while dating -- without much success. But -- as it turns out -- I have just that thing sitting in my outdoor freezer at the moment.

It is a bottle of Limoncello that was gifted to me by a gardening friend -- who literally spent hours slaving away in the kitchen to prepare this after-dinner *liqueur* classic that is though to have orginated in Southern Italy. Traditionally -- it is made from the Sorrento lemon -- though most lemons will produce satisfactory limoncello.

Here -- in California -- the "lemon of choice" is one of the best I have ever tasted: Improved Meyer Lemon.

In a nutshell? This is one wild drink. But let this be a warning to you.

FOLLOW LABEL DIRECTIONS

I didn't do that. And now I'm paying for it. It's ten days later -- and I'm still paying the bill. I wonder what my doctor will tell me later this morning?

So -- what went wrong? First -- you must understand what goes into the crafting of "Limoncello." Obviously -- it uses lemons. Not just lemon juice -- which is used -- but the rind of the lemon also plays a key role. This particular Limoncello is also crafted with Everclear -- a 100% wood grain alcohol -- and Vodka.

What does this mean? Well -- if you put a bottle of this stuff in the freezer? It doesn't freeze. That was the first warning that I chose to ignore. The second warning that I also ignored? Limoncello is "an after dinner liqueur that guests are to sip."

Did you say chug? No? What does sip mean? "I can sip mighty fast," ma'am.

Venus and I made the rather fateful decision to break into our special concoction of "lightning in a bottle" a week ago last Friday -- after we had consumed more than a few mixed drinks of the finest gin sold in a plastic bottle. Dinner -- we figured -- would come later.

BIG MISTAKE

It only took one quick shot before we both knew that we had something good on our hands. Sip? Please! Let us remember that I'm Irish. The words "sip" and "alcohol" in the same sentence represent an oxymoron. Besides -- this stuff was far too good to just "sip." One shot of Limoncello demanded another.

It was at this point where Venus made the fateful (and smart) decision to retire for the evening and left her very tipsy husband alone with a shot glass and an open bottle of Limoncello. I am almost positive that I didn't consume more than one or two more shots (a total of three?) before retiring myself -- but then again -- who really knows?

You can probably guess what happened the following morning? Both the lovely wife and I awoke to stomach aches crafted carefully in the Bowels of Hell. The failure to properly read and follow label directions left both of us with holes in our stomachs -- and breakfast that morning was served with a heapin' helpin' of Dr. Tums and Pepto Dismal.

But -- unlike normal hangovers -- this one persisted into Sunday. Certainly -- the pain would end by the start of the work week -- right? Fat chance! Monday came and went -- as did Tuesday -- and my stomach continued to feel like the doozy that Robert Mitchum suffered from in the 1966 John Wayne Classic: El Dorado.

Thornton (John Wayne): “Either one of you know a fast way to sober a man up?”

MISSISSIPPI (James Caan): "Johnny Diamond had a recipe. Let’s see. Cayenne pepper, mustard--the hot kind, ipecac, asafetida, and oil of cloves… or was it? No, it was croton oil."

BULL (Arthur Hunnicutt): Croton oil?! I’ll be a suck-egg mule. You know what that mixture’ll do to a fella?

MISSISSIPPI: Guaranteed kill or cure.

 

After feeding this mixture (which also contained gunpowder) to Mitchum -- our hero spends the rest of the flick doubled over in pain. Although our Limoncello contained none of these ingredients -- I now know just how our hero felt.

 

I should have purchased stock in Tums.

 

I'm not sure exactly when Bill Bird's stomach will start to feel normal again. Certainly -- the pain isn't as bad as it was last week -- and the wife has all but recovered from her malady. The bottle of Limoncello -- meanwhile -- sits in our freezer as a warning.

 

Label directions are to be READ and FOLLOWED.

Lake Effect Lake

I don't know who's more frustrated. Me, the wife, or the cats. We're all stuck inside at the moment -- all of us ready to climb the nearest wall (the cats are best equipped for this). We've got projects that need to get done! We've got a free day to garden to our heart's content!

Yet -- what are we faced with? Lake Bird. Actually? Several Lake Birds that are growing at a rather eye-popping and exponential rate. We've got a doozy of a rainstorm falling at the moment -- and as the photo to your right will attest -- this is no time to be outside.

That's the frustrating part of it all. I have the time! There are projects that need to be done! Beds that can be cleaned out! Beds that can be prepared for Spring! Seeds to plant. Lettuce here. Lettuce there. Radishes everywhere.

But, "Drip, Drip, Drip" goes the weatherman.

Listen -- I know -- that in the long run -- this soaking rain is good for every single gardener in California -- from the extreme North to the extreme South. And I also know -- deep down -- that we need more than just a day of constant rain. If the weather reports are correct -- and I hope that they are -- we'll see a solid week of non-stop rain and non-stop snow.

I know, I know: we need this in the worst way.

But at the same time? How is my new Improved Meyer Lemon going to grow if I can't get outside to actually plant the thing? It's been sitting there -- in the rain and wind -- for a solid week. But the spot that I have picked out for it? Well -- at last check -- it was under an inch of rain. Mebbe two. I'm not really sure. The rain is falling so fast now that it's kind of overwhelming the drainage system in our yard.

Still? I'd much rather be outside to be honest with all of you. I'd much rather be dealing with a warm spring day. I'd rather be trenching -- which should prove to you just how insane I've become over the years.

But, "Drip, Drip, Drip" says KCRA 3 Weather Plus Chief Meteorologist Mark Finan.

So -- I suppose I could go through and reorganize the shoebox that serves as our "unofficial" seed library. But -- I've already done that. Clean and organize the gardening tools? Done. Order more seeds? I have ten packets of carrot seeds. Do I really need another? Set up the indoor greenhouse? A little early for that. We won't be starting tomato and pepper seeds until the weekend after the Super Bowl.

So -- instead -- I'll sit with the cats at the sliding glass door and adopt the same forlorn look they have and wish for a better day. Mother Nature has claimed this day as her very own -- and may keep claiming days through the better part of next week.

For now -- I can only look at the raised beds across the yard that contain our onion and garlic plantings. For now? I can only look at the barren fruit trees that really need a haircut trim -- but I dare not try anything. For now? I can only look at the leaves that I never got around to raking up from around the rosebushes.

The cats meanwhile -- are sharpening those claws. Let the wall-climbing exercise commence.

A Gardener's Lament.