Code Word: Red Candy Apple



The "Package"

Psst! Hey buddy? Know that "thing" we were talking about? The "package" has arrived my friend. Expect a visit from Mr. X at any time now. Know what I'm talking about?

 

Of course you have no idea of what I'm talking about! I have no idea of what I'm talking about! And if you can understand what I don't -- well -- perhaps I need to add a second cyst to my skull so it can make friends with the first.

 

ONIONS!

I am a bit hesitant from doing my best Steve Martin impression by screaming to the whole world: "The New Onions are Here! The New Onions are Here!" Because, as Martin so artfully acted in The Jerk, "things are going to start happening to me now." And they did. But not quite in the way he expected.

 

You see, if you recall last year's madcap onion escapade, there's a good reason to be worried. Yes -- the 2014 crop of new onion starter plants has arrived from Dixondale Farms in (flat as a) Pancake, Texas. Unlike last year, the onion plants arrived on time and in excellent condition.

 

Perhaps SMERSH has turned its attention to other endeavors.

 

Onion plants, you say? Not onion bulbs? That would be correct. I'm done with planting onion bulbs in October and hoping for a good harvest come next June. Sometimes that harvest can be good. Sometimes it can be bad. But that's not the case with onion starter plants grown by our fine onion-loving friends at Dixondale Farms. They've been at this trade for a decade or nine. They know what they're doing.

 

Onion Plant Starters-Dixondale Farms

Suffice to say -- a box of onion starter plants from Dixondale Farms has never let me or the wife that is Venus down. We plant a lot of onions in the Bird Back 40. That's because we go through our share of onions. You can find those onions in every jar of lip-smacking Roasted Garlic, Pepper and Heirloom Tomato Salsa. You can find them onions in every jar of tomato sauce we can. And you can find them in nearly every summer and fall meal we make and consume.

 

The arrival of our box of onion starters also provides a good excuse to dedicate a weekend afternoon to digging up those Bird Back 40 planter boxes and adding all sorts of amendments that are good for the soil and good for the onions to boot. I can't begin to tell you the satisfaction of digging into a raised gardening bed only to find a nest of big, fat, red earthworms wriggling around inside.

 

Soil Amendment Time!

It means that box of fish bait that I added last summer to improve the soil sailed right through the winter months. It means that I was judicious in my use of fertilizer, and didn't over-fertilize to the point where I chased the earthworms into the next yard. Night Crawler worms aren't just good eatin' for catfish -- they spice up the local raised gardening bed as well.

 

But I digress.

 

The onion starter plants we put into the soil this year are exactly the same that we put into the ground last year. Why do the same crop over and over again? Because the fine folks at Dixondale Farms only offer three varieties of onions for Intermediate Day locations. And Sacramento happens to be SMACK DAB in the middle of an intermediate day location.

 

Super Star Onions (Delicious)

But, suffice to say, those time-tested varieties of Candy, Red Candy Apple and Super Star have never let us down. Each bunch of all three varieties delivers a whopper of yellow, red and white onions. Some of those onions wind up on the doorsteps of our onion-loving neighbors, this is true, but the vast majority is put to good use in the Bird Family kitchen.

 

We get so many of these onions that I'm actually SHAMED when I'm forced to head out to the local grocery store to actually BUY onions. Unfortunately, our harvest doesn't last for the entire 12 months of the year. There comes a point, late in winter my friends, when (I'm ashamed to admit) we must buy our onions like everyone else at the local supermarket.

 

Venus Plants Onions!

Oh, the shame of it all.

 

Are store bought onions as good as home-grown onions? Does Superman enjoy Kryptonite? OF COURSE NOT! That's why we plant onions. Because, well, home grown onions are just darned good and darned good for you.

 

And so -- with great trepidation -- I deliver the news that the 2014 onion plant starters have not only arrived -- they've all been planted.

 

Garden Patrol Cat with Chew Toy Dog

This means if some nefarious character attempts to dig them up? They first must do battle with Lenny, the Maine Coon Garden Patrol Cat. Lenny, at last report, weighed in at svelte 25 lbs. It's safe to say that Lenny enjoys his meals. And every meal that Maine Coon giant can get his greedy little paws on.

 

You have been warned.

From San Diego With Onions

007 Likes Onions in his Martinis

OK. So it's not quite as flashy as From Russia with Love. It may not even contain the intrigue, action, drama, special effects (OK, none of that). It doesn't even have an Auric Goldfinger or Rosa Klebb -- though SMERSH (Death to Spies) just might be involved here. What this blog posting does have, however, is a mystery. It's a deep, dark, somewhat smelly mystery that might never be solved.

Not even by the great 007, James Bond.

Onion Plant Starters

I bring you the case of the Missing Madcap Onions. The no-show scallions. The ghostly gibbons. OK, that's enough. They are like the onions you see pictured to your left. These onions are now planted in the Bird Back 40. There are three different varieties here, representing red, yellow and white.

So what's the mystery you ask? I'll tell you. The onions sets you see planted in the Bird Back 40 are "replacement" onions. They represent a second, rush shipment from Dixondale Farms in Texas. As for the first shipment? Where is that first shipment? Nobody quite really knows. And that's were the mystery begins.

It was South Natomas gardening zen-master Nels Christensen who first suggested last fall that we "tag team" on our order of onions this year. It made sense. Why pay for two shipping charges instead of one? Plus, the onions get somewhat cheaper when you buy more of them. So, by combining the order we paid less for them and avoided an additional shipping charge. As Wile E. Coyote once summarized: Our thinking was "genius."

Online Tracking for Onion Plant Starters

And then, the United States Postal Service got involved.

I love online tracking. I'm not sure who started it first, but everyone uses it now. It allows you to track a package or special order as it makes its stops here and there before arriving at your front door. Online tracking even informs you when that package will arrive at your front door.

In the case of Nels Christensen and Bill Bird, online tracking told us our 2013 shipment of onions from Dixondale Farms had arrived at the West Sacramento Postal Sort Facility on February 9th, a Saturday. With this information, we could expect a Monday or Tuesday delivery.

Super Star (White) Onions

The package never arrived.

This prompted a worried call from Nels to the West Sacramento USPS office where he received the response of: "Onions? We don't have any onions."

It seems our onions had vanished. Nobody was quite sure where they went. Five long days went by and still no onions, and worse yet, no response from the USPS. But, on February 15th, a single-word item appeared in our online tracking system: "Missent." Well! Where did they send them we wondered? Mars? Why would it take five days to locate a box of fresh onion plants? They'd certainly be stinking up a storm right about now.

Red Candy Apple Onion Starters

More information appeared in our onion online tracking that very same day. The missing box of onions was reported at the West Sacramento sort facility again. Well, this was good news! Right? This meant we could expect delivery by the next day!

Or so we thought. Two days later we learned that our wayward batch of smelly onion plant starters had been shipped to San Diego. It's not Mars, per se, but gardening is rather local. Nels and I don't have garden plots in San Diego. We have them in Sacramento, Natomas to be exact.

Replacement Box of Onion Starters

So how did the onions wind up in San Diego? That's a good question. Not even the USPS could tell us. In fact, if you called the USPS sort facility in San Diego they would claim: "Onions? We don't have no stinkin' onions," or something that effect.

You would think that the online tracking system would be updated with the message of "Really, really Missent," or "We screwed up bad there, bud." But nary a word crossed the online tracking system for four days. At that point? Our missing box of onion plants was on the move again. This time they were destined for  Carrizo Springs, Texas. That is where they had been shipped from originally two weeks ago. But instead of turning around and heading back to Sacramento, the USPS decided to send our quite-ripe box of onion plant starters back to the grower.

Venus Plants

Why? Good question! I told you this was a mystery! Ah -- but it gets even better.

I emailed Dixondale Farms with the request for a photo of our missing box of onion plant starters because I wanted to see the damage that had been done to it after two weeks of moving from one USPS sort facility to another. Dixondale Farms emailed back with the response: "We can't. The box was empty."

So where is that first shipment of onions? We can only deduce that someone, somewhere got a surprise delivery of half-dead onion starters with the code names of "Candy Apple Red" and "Super Star." And this person is now wondering if they've become the unwitting target of SMERSH (Death to Spies). Think about it for a moment. How many people get deliveries of smelly, half dead onion plant starters? Would you be a tad bit concerned?

Where are the onions? Rosa Klebb might know...

I'm pleased to report that during this Great Onion Adventure, the good folks at Dixondale Farms rushed a second delivery to our front door and this one actually arrived, on time, and in fairly good condition. The onions are planted. The onions are growing. And there's nothing quite like an onion starter from Dixondale Farms. Venus and I planted our first bunch of onion plant starters last spring, and we were munching on a whopper of a harvest through late fall and early winter.

You'll even find a bit of "Super Star" and "Candy Apple Red" in our moderately famous "Roasted Garlic, Pepper and Heirloom Tomato Salsa." Yeah, those onions are THAT good.

But as for that first shipment of onion plants? You're guess is as good as mine, 007.