The Ballad of Frick and Frack

Frick and Frack

Warning! Cuteness Overload! And, perhaps a bit of sadness.

I write the following today to remember a great love and friendship before it has time to pass from my mind, as most things do as we move on in life. Pictured to the right are Frick and Frack. It really doesn't matter who "Frick" or "Frack" is. What is important is that tender, and rare, relationship between cat and dog who find each other at the right time.

Frick and Frack at rest. A rare moment.

We didn't do this by design. That would have been far too easy and somewhat impossible. This relationship was completely by chance. It just worked. Somehow, it just worked. The decade that followed was pure magic.

The dog, Bandana, a "Heinz 57" mix of herding breeds, was discovered on a working horse ranch in Southern Oregon. His owner, Tenaya Yager, made the painful decision to part with him during our 2010 visit. Lenny, the Maine Coon cat, was a gift from Mary Beth Barber. She discovered a litter of feral kittens in the sub-basment beneath her Sacramento home in 2011. She rescued them and bottle-fed and cared for each one before presenting Lenny as a gift.

The Kiss

The cats that my ex-wife, Venus, and I had at home never did care for Bandana after we brought her home. That is a kind way of describing it. Outright revolt, revulsion and disowning us as cat owners would be a more correct description. But all of that changed a year after adopting Bandana when we opened our home to Lenny. One lick from Bandana was all it took, and the legend of Frick and Frack was born. The two immediately fell in love with one another and were constant companions and partners in crime. They never left each other's side.

I thank the Good Lord that digital photography came into vogue by 2011. Otherwise, we would have enriched the makers of Kodak or Polaroid film by another million bucks or two. Frick and Frack would come to dominate photos and social media postings over the next decade. Who could possibly ignore that cuteness overload? The two would get into one adorable pose after another, usually around dinner or snack time. Or, if they wanted something we were eating at the dinner table. Which is usually what Frick and Frack did at dinner time 365 days a year. These two had discovered a couple of human SUCKERS, and took full advantage of it.

Frack on Frick

Here is a photo of Frick and Frack on the couch. Or a photo of Frick and Frack on the floor. Oh look! Frick and Frack are curled up on the bed together! Here are Frick and Frack outside, checking out the garden. "Is that dog lying on top of that cat???" This is a common question we received on Facebook, Twitter, Google or any other place we deposited multitudes of pet photos. "Why yes she is," came our response. "Pay no mind," we would respond. "They just want snacks." What we didn't say is that most of the time Frick and Frack were rewarded with any snack they wanted.

Did You Say Snacks?

If these two partners in pet crime weren't in one adorable pose or another, they were usually putting on one of their typical Battle Royale rumbles in the living or dining room. It would start when Frack would chomp on Frick's fuzzy tail and pull on it like a tug toy, which ultimately resulted in a massive, full-claw return swat from Frick. The battle was on. Or, sometimes it was Frick who put on his best Tiger Tank Surprise Attack from the rear, hitting Frack full-force when she wasn't looking or was peacefully sleeping. The battle, which never really ended between the two, was on again. The two proceeded to roll around on the floor for the next 5-10 minutes, usually knocking over whatever was in their path. Many chairs and even one Christmas tree met its demise when these two decided it was time for non-stop action.

Wandering the Garden

The battle took on a new form whenever we took Frack (the dog) for a walk. Frick would follow for awhile, but never lose sight of his home. It wasn't that he was scared, he just preferred to stay behind and plan his attack after Frack returned 30 minutes later. Frack always suspected that Frick would be up to something, waiting to unleash a surprise attack. Frick would never disappoint Frack, launching himself from underneath a bush, a parked car, from behind a pillar of bricks and, at least one time, with a flying leap from the roof. I have to admit, I was surprised with that mode of attack myself.

No matter how brutal the previous play session had been, Frick and Frack always made sure to position themselves into the most ridiculous and adorable pose possible after play time subsided and dinner time arrived. That's just who they were. They spent a lifetime irritating and loving one another. They were never apart. They were always by each other's side.

Chairs are for Frick and Frack

Did I mention how carefully they planned an assault on the vegetable garden AFTER Venus and I had carefully planted tomato plant starters on top of smelly fish heads? On the best garden advice available at the time? We came home the next day to find 16-tomato plants dug out of raised beds and a few paltry bits of those fish heads that we thought we had buried deeply enough to guard against theft. The culprits had dirty paws and full bellies. Frick and Frack had struck again. It was a team effort.

Stop here. Don't read any further. Because all good things do eventually come to a tragic end. I will keep this as short as I can.

Your bed? Not anymore!

As the years flew by, the play and antics subsided somewhat. Play time morphed into a lot of nap time for the both of them. But, they were still together. There came a point, however, where Bandana, the Frack, grew tired. A limp that developed after she had stumbled into a gopher hole worsened. Herding dogs like Border Collies, McNab Shepherds and Aussie Shepherds are very hyperactive as young adults. But when they begin to slide downhill, the end seems to take place very quickly. Bandana was no different. Frack passed in February of this year. I held her close as she took her last breath. I promised I would never forget the "Blonde Bombshell." The neighborhood children simply adored her.

Although I gave Frick all the love and attention I possibly could after losing his Frack, he followed a short time later. His last act was to crawl underneath my bed, where Frack had spent part of her final year. It's where he drew his last breath. That was yesterday. I'm a still a bit emotional at the moment, so please forgive me. I'm not going to bore you with all the visits to the veterinarian that took place and all the solutions that were prescribed over the last six months. Needless to say, none of them worked. It's tough to heal a broken heart.

Frick with his new Frack

I can only say that I tried my best to engage Frick. At one point I even adopted another Frack from the Bradshaw Animal Shelter in Sacramento County. It stopped Frick's slide. For a little while. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't the answer. I don't know if there was a solution. If there was one, I didn't find it.

We never forgot the kindness of both Tenaya and Mary Beth. They were reminded of the gifts they had bestowed every time a picture was posted on any social media account, which must have numbered in the hundreds through the years. We made sure that both saw each ridiculous Frick and Frack pose and moment.

"I talk about Bandana a lot," Tenaya admitted after calling to console me following Frack's passing last February. "The decision I made to give her to you was a validation of what I would become. I unite pets with people."

Marybeth also checked in to thank me for being a good cat "papa."

This relationship between dog and cat is not unique. Perhaps  you have been graced by a Frick and Frack in your lifetime. It is my sincere hope that you have. I have had no greather joy in life than to witness the love and joy that Frick and Frack demonstrated time and again. They are just memories now. Memories that I will never forget. I have to move on now. I will move on. But I will never forget.

Don't Say it's Over!

Pumpkin Harvest: Bird Back 40

But I'm not ready for it yet! Don't go there! Are you serious? My favorite time of the year known as summer gardening season is over? But it can't be! Seems like just yesterday that I planted those tomato bushes. It can't be gone this quickly, can it?

Welcome to my annual ritual: DENIAL. As you've heard it said before, probably on more than one occasion, it ain't just a river in Egypt.

Actually, if you checked ye olde calendar, which I'm loathe to do this time of year, one comes to find that summer gardening season ended more than a few weeks ago. It really ended with the onset of cool temperatures in the morning. That tends to play havoc with the sugar content in vine-ripened heirloom tomatoes. One can literally "taste" the end of summer.

Whoa! Time for a Haircut!

But when the brown, featherly leaves of downtown Sacramento begin to rain down and rest during my annual pilgramages to downtown Sacramento, I know the time has come. I'm just not ready to say goodbye just yet.

The end of summer gardening season also brings on a massive cleanup job in the Backyard of Bird. Every bush and every tree produces a little something during summer gardening and fresh fruit season. And, when the summer ends, it's time to clean up.

Unfortunately -- those tiny green waste cans do not do us much justice out here in the northern burbs. While I could really use a service like "The Claw" around my house during this time of the year -- the monster doesn't travel this far out in my direction. So -- the job of "disposing" of the summer garden usually results in stacked piles of garden rubbish around the backyard.

Common End of Summer Sight

Those piles will sit and wait for space to open up in the green waste can. Or, if I'm lucky, one of the neighbors will lend a hand with a half empty can. I've already learned one valuable lesson with my last green waste can, which busted into an unholy and warped cauldron that scared neighborhood children half to death.

We're not doing that again.

So -- piles here and there it is. I've also learned a bit of "patience" (aka "laziness") on the job. Rome wasn't built in a day. It wasn't also taken apart in a fortnight. Some projects can sit and wait until space opens up at the olde inn. Then and only then does it get scheduled for the "fall haircut."

The end of the summer gardening season also brings sadness. There are no more nightly visits to the Farmer's Market that we call our backyard. While some summer crops are still producing -- most are curled up and long gone. It's both sad and tough to reach for a jar of canned tomatoes that we prepped earlier in the year, rather than picking them fresh off the vine.

Test Bed: All Played Out

I'm just not ready to say goodbye!

Still -- the onset of Fall brings new challenges. What, for example, are we going to do with that line of pumpkins from this year's extraordinarily successful pumpkin patch pictured above? Share them with friends? Yes -- there's some of that. Carve pumpkins for Halloween? Absolutely!

But I also wouldn't be completely forthcoming if I didn't say that there's a little bit of a pumpkin pie in those pumpkins. We just might have plans for pumpkin bread. And then there's that recipe for pumpkin soup with barley that looked pretty darn good.

Short and sweet? You can lot more with pumpkins other than carve a scary face and roast some pumpkin seeds.

Summer Garden Pile: Scheduled for Removal

Fall is also a time to start thinking about other crops. There's garlic seed to stick in the ground for next year's garlic crop. And -- one just can't do without Tall Telephone Garden Peas, which are also planted now in anticipation of a fat spring harvest. Since you failed to remove every last potato from the ground last summer, the spuds you left behind have rewarded you with a nice fall crop.

So, no, the onset of Fall isn't a complete and total bummer. There's also time for a weekend nap in the schedule, where one can dream about next summer's heirloom tomato crop.

Have a Berry Nice Day!

Ripening Arapaho Blackberries-Bird Back 40

It's berry season in the Bird Back 40. It's about time. It's also early this year thanks to some unseasonably HOT weather in the Sacramento river bottom. Our spring this year should be awarded the film title of Gone in Sixty Seconds. The hot spring jump-started many fresh fruits and vegetables that either did very well (asparagus) or flopped completely (artichokes).

One crop to react positively to an early spring rush of hot weather? The blackberries pictured above. They are large. They are luscious. They represent one of the best "impulse" purchases that Bill Bird has ever made. This is the Arapaho Thornless Blackberry vine. Unlike many other thornless vines that need support in the form of a trellis or fence, the Arapaho resembles a small tree with a thick central cane system that keeps the plant upright.

Arapaho Blackberry Ready for Consumption

I literally tripped over this starter plant in my mad quest for additional seed potatoes last spring at Lowe's Big Box Home Improvement store in West Sacramento. I had recently made a decision to move existing vines from one spot in the yard to another, which would create space for one brand new vine. I had never known vines to be self-supporting, and since I literally tripped over them while searching for seed potatoes, I considered it a sign from God.

Thus the Arapaho was purchased and planted in the Bird Back 40. My faith has been rewarded with berries the size of walnuts and a creamy sweet delightful taste that would be a winner in any pie made from scratch. My only regret is that the Arapaho, now in its second year of production, isn't producing quite enough for pies just yet. But as I gaze at that Jack-in-the-Beanstalk tree-trunk sized growth bent on growing over the fence line, I have a pretty good idea that pie construction will be on the agenda for 2014.

Next Year's Fruiting Cane: The Arapaho

But the Arapaho isn't the only thornless blackberry springing to life in the Bird Back 40. In fact, I know of one or two Sacramento area fresh berry growers that would even make the case that the Arapaho isn't the best vine in the Bird Back 40. Nope! That honor would be bestowed to the vine growing to the immediate right of the Arapaho: the Black Satin.

Unlike the Arapaho, the Black Satin was not an impulse purchase. I was approached by two other gardeners several years ago who were putting together a major purchase at a well known California nursery and asked if I wanted in. Want in? Duh. I didn't "want in." I dived in with three feet. Four or five years ago the Black Satin Blackberry vine was the current rage of the gardening day. It was the "must have" berry for the backyard.

And, so, well, I had to have it.

Black Satin Blackberries-Bird Back 40

As it turns out? I had some problems with it. The first plant actually up and died on me. In fact, it never got beyond "bare root" stage. When June rolled around and that brown cane started turning even browner, I knew that something had gone wrong. And I would have to wait another full year, till the next bare root season, to get a replacement. And then, to add insult to injury, I dug the plant up last year and moved it to another location. Talk about a crime! I could be tried and convicted! The charge your honor? Black Satin Blackberry Abuse!

As for the friend who also ordered the Black Satin? She's a little better gardener than I am. Her plant lived. Plus she didn't abuse it like I did. Today that Black Satin plant resembles a large Christmas Tree, and, yes, it's loaded with hundreds of FAT berries. She recently posted a picture of her plant on her Facebook page and I reacted by promptly drooling on my computer keyboard. What's that? You'd like her name and address eh? Yeah, I'm sure you do...

Loaded Black Satin Bush-Sacramento

I guess the point I'm trying to make here -- and doing a bad job at it -- is that spring and summer blackberries are the absolute bomb. The days of plants with thorns the size and sharpness of switchblades are long gone. Horticulture has rewarded us with all sorts of berry options, minus the thorns. Got a small and ignored spot in the yard? Plant berries.

You'll be glad you did. Because there's nothing quite like a slice of warm Black Satin and Arapaho Blackberry pie on a cold winter's day. That's what growing your own is all about.

From San Diego With Onions

007 Likes Onions in his Martinis

OK. So it's not quite as flashy as From Russia with Love. It may not even contain the intrigue, action, drama, special effects (OK, none of that). It doesn't even have an Auric Goldfinger or Rosa Klebb -- though SMERSH (Death to Spies) just might be involved here. What this blog posting does have, however, is a mystery. It's a deep, dark, somewhat smelly mystery that might never be solved.

Not even by the great 007, James Bond.

Onion Plant Starters

I bring you the case of the Missing Madcap Onions. The no-show scallions. The ghostly gibbons. OK, that's enough. They are like the onions you see pictured to your left. These onions are now planted in the Bird Back 40. There are three different varieties here, representing red, yellow and white.

So what's the mystery you ask? I'll tell you. The onions sets you see planted in the Bird Back 40 are "replacement" onions. They represent a second, rush shipment from Dixondale Farms in Texas. As for the first shipment? Where is that first shipment? Nobody quite really knows. And that's were the mystery begins.

It was South Natomas gardening zen-master Nels Christensen who first suggested last fall that we "tag team" on our order of onions this year. It made sense. Why pay for two shipping charges instead of one? Plus, the onions get somewhat cheaper when you buy more of them. So, by combining the order we paid less for them and avoided an additional shipping charge. As Wile E. Coyote once summarized: Our thinking was "genius."

Online Tracking for Onion Plant Starters

And then, the United States Postal Service got involved.

I love online tracking. I'm not sure who started it first, but everyone uses it now. It allows you to track a package or special order as it makes its stops here and there before arriving at your front door. Online tracking even informs you when that package will arrive at your front door.

In the case of Nels Christensen and Bill Bird, online tracking told us our 2013 shipment of onions from Dixondale Farms had arrived at the West Sacramento Postal Sort Facility on February 9th, a Saturday. With this information, we could expect a Monday or Tuesday delivery.

Super Star (White) Onions

The package never arrived.

This prompted a worried call from Nels to the West Sacramento USPS office where he received the response of: "Onions? We don't have any onions."

It seems our onions had vanished. Nobody was quite sure where they went. Five long days went by and still no onions, and worse yet, no response from the USPS. But, on February 15th, a single-word item appeared in our online tracking system: "Missent." Well! Where did they send them we wondered? Mars? Why would it take five days to locate a box of fresh onion plants? They'd certainly be stinking up a storm right about now.

Red Candy Apple Onion Starters

More information appeared in our onion online tracking that very same day. The missing box of onions was reported at the West Sacramento sort facility again. Well, this was good news! Right? This meant we could expect delivery by the next day!

Or so we thought. Two days later we learned that our wayward batch of smelly onion plant starters had been shipped to San Diego. It's not Mars, per se, but gardening is rather local. Nels and I don't have garden plots in San Diego. We have them in Sacramento, Natomas to be exact.

Replacement Box of Onion Starters

So how did the onions wind up in San Diego? That's a good question. Not even the USPS could tell us. In fact, if you called the USPS sort facility in San Diego they would claim: "Onions? We don't have no stinkin' onions," or something that effect.

You would think that the online tracking system would be updated with the message of "Really, really Missent," or "We screwed up bad there, bud." But nary a word crossed the online tracking system for four days. At that point? Our missing box of onion plants was on the move again. This time they were destined for  Carrizo Springs, Texas. That is where they had been shipped from originally two weeks ago. But instead of turning around and heading back to Sacramento, the USPS decided to send our quite-ripe box of onion plant starters back to the grower.

Venus Plants

Why? Good question! I told you this was a mystery! Ah -- but it gets even better.

I emailed Dixondale Farms with the request for a photo of our missing box of onion plant starters because I wanted to see the damage that had been done to it after two weeks of moving from one USPS sort facility to another. Dixondale Farms emailed back with the response: "We can't. The box was empty."

So where is that first shipment of onions? We can only deduce that someone, somewhere got a surprise delivery of half-dead onion starters with the code names of "Candy Apple Red" and "Super Star." And this person is now wondering if they've become the unwitting target of SMERSH (Death to Spies). Think about it for a moment. How many people get deliveries of smelly, half dead onion plant starters? Would you be a tad bit concerned?

Where are the onions? Rosa Klebb might know...

I'm pleased to report that during this Great Onion Adventure, the good folks at Dixondale Farms rushed a second delivery to our front door and this one actually arrived, on time, and in fairly good condition. The onions are planted. The onions are growing. And there's nothing quite like an onion starter from Dixondale Farms. Venus and I planted our first bunch of onion plant starters last spring, and we were munching on a whopper of a harvest through late fall and early winter.

You'll even find a bit of "Super Star" and "Candy Apple Red" in our moderately famous "Roasted Garlic, Pepper and Heirloom Tomato Salsa." Yeah, those onions are THAT good.

But as for that first shipment of onion plants? You're guess is as good as mine, 007.

Because Three Apple Trees Are Not Enough! That's Why!

Wild about Walnuts? Nutty over Nectarines? Does the thought of apricots make you anxious? If you find yourself in a panic over plums, then this weekend was made for you and every other fruit fanatic in the Sacramento area. Because it is -- this weekend -- where you can satisfy that compulsion for Plumcots.

A WHAT? Plumcot you say? Do those actually exist? Thanks to the freaky and Frankensteinish efforts of Modesto-area biologist Floyd Zaiger, by golly, you betcha they do.

Scion Exchange-2012

The Sacramento Chapter of the California Rare Fruit Growers (CRFG) holds its annual scion exchange this weekend. More precisely, the give and take will take place on Sunday, January 20th at the Cooperative Extension Offices located at 4145 Branch Center Road in Sacramento. The fun starts at 10:00 AM and lasts until 1:00 PM, which will put you home just in time for some 49er playoff football!

But if you want my advice? My advice is get there closer to 10:00 AM rather than 1:00 PM. If this event is anything like last year's shindig? My friends, it will be packed to the gills with fresh fruit lovers from all over the territory.

Apple Pie! Oh My!

What are scions? They are branches, small branches, from fruit tree varieties that are simply too numerous to mention. The scion exchange features thousands of varieties from hundreds of different trees -- and I'm guessing that you probably haven't heard of a great many of them. I simply didn't know THAT many plum varieties existed -- until I found row after row after row of perfectly labeled scions at last year's gathering.

In other words? If you've come for just one? You've come to the wrong place. Why take one when you can have five? Better yet, be a glutton and take ten! Why have one plum variety when you can have so much more?

A Festival of Fruit Opportunities

If you're really not sure -- or sold for that matter -- on the concept of grafting, the fine folks at the CRFG have that taken care of as well. Not only will you find scions at this year's exchange, you'll also see demonstrations of HOW to graft, WHERE to graft and WHEN.

The event is "free" for all CRFG members and a small donation is requested of non-members. You can even sign up for the club. There's room for lots more crazy people -- I mean -- people who are crazy about fresh fruit.

See you there!

Onion Ring King and Queen of North Natomas!

Homer Bucket of Onions: Partial Harvest

It's about that time of year when the wife that is Venus and I play this little game of "let's make dinner." That is -- we will tell one another that we want to make a particular dish, but need to purchase things such as "tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, onions, green onions, etc."

Of course -- this is our version of a ginormous joke -- since we have ginormous amounts of these things protruding from the summer garden beds. We've reached that Nirvana time of year when every carrot is at least a foot long and two inches thick, each tomato weighs at least a pound and is loaded with flavor and one green onion is larger than the bunches of five or six green onions sold at the local grocery store.

A Garden Whopper: The Candy Onion

In short? Gardening life is good. It's very good. Every meal features something fresh. And if it doesn't? Someone made a royally bad mistake. Even something a simple as a frozen pizza tastes better with extra toppings of chopped up bell peppers and green onions. And WHY are you eating frozen pizza when you can whip up a garden fresh soup featuring a hodge-podge of fresh this and that?

The frozen pizza can sit and wait in the freezer.

It is indeed harvest time on the Bird Ranch for Wayward Heirloom Tomatoes. The heirlooms are popping. The squash is prolific. Bell peppers make for a sweet and tasty treat. But one of the bigger successes just came out of the ground just last month: one of the largest and sweetest onion harvests we've ever had the pleasure of taking part it.

Bunches and Bunches of Candy Onions

No matter where you turn in the Bird GarageMahal, you're going to run into a Homer five gallon bucket of onions here -- or another five gallon bucket there. Or you just might run smack dab into onion monsters that are hanging and curing from an exposed set of rafters. Short and sweet? We got onions. Lots and lots of onions.

I would have to characterize this year's "onion experiment" with Dixondale Farms in (flat as a) Pancake, Texas a tremendous success. I have never grown onions this huge or this tasty before, and never before in the numbers that we experienced this year. Sure -- there were a few "duds in the bunch." But that's to be expected with just about anything when it comes to gardening (at least for yours truly). But as I began to pull mammoth whopper after mammoth whopper from the ground, I knew this was one of them rare experiments that had totally succeeded.

Onion Starters in February

Excuse me while I cry for a moment. This just doesn't happen often.

Unlike past years, when I would plants onion and garlic bulbs at about the same time of year (October), I waited to order my onion crop. It wouldn't arrive until early February. In the meantime, I educated myself on what I had done wrong in the past. I would come to discover that no onion is like the other. All of them are different. Some grow well in some areas. Others do not.

It was during this research that it dawned on me that purchasing that package of onion bulbs from my local nursery in September or October wasn't the wisest of decisions. Sometimes those packages contained onion bulbs that were not intended for, nor would grow to a large size, in the Sacramento Valley. Why would a nursery or Big Box store do that? Simple! It's the same question as, "why would they sell that Hass Avocado tree" when they know it will perish in our cold Sacramento climate?" Or, "why are they selling tomato plants in February when tomato planting season isn't for another two months?"

Red Candy Apple Onions

Simple! It's because people who don't know any better (see: Bill Bird) will happily fork over $20 for it. And if it dies? That's OK too! Because the people who sold you the wrong kind of onion bulbs or that avocado tree that kicked the bucket know all too well that you'll be back in another couple of months to fork over another $20 in a vain and wasted attempt to correct the problem.

It's called "marketing for dummies."

I finally got around to listening to the patient advice of a South Natomas vegetable gardener who has been at this game a little bit longer than I have, and gave into his suggestion of giving Dixondale Farms the old college try. After reading, and more importantly, understanding the different between "long-day, intermediate-day, short-day" and "Green Day" onions, I finally understood what I'd been doing wrong.

Green Day Onions. KIDDING!!! They're CANDY!

Note: To the uninitiated, there is no such thing as "Green Day" onions. If you ask for them at a nursery, you're likely to earn a howl of laughter or a blank stare. "Green Day" isn't an onion. "Green Day" is a rock-n-roll band.

Short and sweet? If you plant the right kind of onion bulb or onion start, fertilize, water and care for it properly, you will be rewarded with monster-sized onions. Monster sized onions mean monster sized onion rings -- made with a fresh beer batter.

Sure! You can use your onion crop for healthy things like salads and such! There's nothing wrong like that! But only I can tell you the wonderful taste behind taking a healthy thing like a freshly grown onion, dipping it into a batter and dropping it into a vat of hot oil!

Mix in rings procured from a home grown Super Star white onion, add in some beer, flour and salt, and you've got a meal fit for a King or Queen.

Simple Beer Batter Recipe

1 cup beer (the better the beer, the better the onion ring)

1 cup flour

1 egg

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon paprika

1 teaspoon onion or garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Vegetable oil for frying

Onion Rings in Waiting

Mix all items, minus the vegetable oil, together in a bowl until smooth. If the batter does not take on the consistency of a pancake batter, add more beer.

Cut off both ends of an onion (preferably home grown), and proceed to cut into slices anywhere from a half inch to an inch thick. Separate slices into individual rings.

Fill frying pan with raised edges with a half inch of oil and heat to medium-low. Proceed to dip each onion ring into the beer batter, using tongs to add directly to hot oil. Turn when edges turn light brown. Remove from heat when both sides are light brown and drain. Add additional salt, if needed, for taste, or a favorite dipping sauce!

Battle Sacramento

Ripening Fantasy Seedless Table Grape

It will never be quite as exciting as "Battle Los Angeles" but my own personal battle against invaders from the sky is now on in the Bird Back 40. It never once occurred to me that planting a row or two of table grapes would be enough to bring an invasion from above -- I suppose you could call it a hard lesson in life.

You see -- I should have planted eight table grape vines for myself and the wife that is Venus, plus another 80 for the invaders pillaging the backyard. It's either that, or call in the United States Marines.

Staff Sgt. Nantz: All Hands on Deck!

The invaders in this case are the always-present, always squawking (loudly), mockingbirds. They have a love for all things table grapes, cherries, peaches and whatever they can dig into it seems. And they have no intention of leaving until harvest season comes to a close.

What does this mean? It means I need to take extra special measures to protect that ripening crop of tasty Fantasy grapes ripening above -- and those Suffolk Red grapes further down to the left. Special measures include a lot of bird netting and one very interested Maine Coon Kitten (Lenny has grown into a rather large and curious kitten).

Table Grape Vines in Spring-Bird Back 40

This marks the third season for table grape production in the Bird Back 40 and all eight original vines are in production. A ninth vine, the Venus table grape, was planted a year later and on the other side of the property. It's had some trouble adapting to this Northern California climate, but is slowly finding its way.

This year's crop -- I'm pleased to report -- is probably three times the size of last year's crop. And we're just getting started here children. I'm told --by those in the know -- that the size of these crops will keep increasing on an exponential level until these vines reach full maturity in five to six years.

Red Suffolk Table Grapes

By that time -- a true army of mockingbirds will have descended.

My experiments with increasing the actual size of these grapes has been both hit and miss -- and are probably related to the fact that each variety flowers and ripens during different times of the year. The Fantasy variety featured up top -- for example -- is now nearly dark and is slowly gaining sugar content. Estimated harvest date? The first or second week of August. The Suffolk Red variety ripens next in mid-to-late August.

Other varieties, like the time-honored Thompson, won't be ready to harvest until mid-September or later. That's provided the mockingbirds are kind enough to leave one or two berries behind.

Flowering Grapevines: A Beautiful Sight

There are several different actions that growers can take to increase the size of table grapes. One method is trunk girdling, which involves the removal of a thin strip of bark around the trunk. According to the University of California Master Gardener Program? This can increase the size of the berries by anywhere from 10% to 30% when done correctly.

But girdling isn't recommended for vines that are less than four or five years old. It also takes a practiced hand. One wrong move? You've got a problem. I'm not that good with knives just yet and may never be quite that handy.

Black Monukka Table Grapes

Fortunately -- there is another way to achieve larger table grape sizes. This is through the use of a natural hormone called Gibberellic Acid or GA-3. Although its difficult to find for the home backyard, most commercial growers use GA-3 extensively. Applying (spraying) GA-3 at just after bloom set and again a week or two after the grapes have formed should result in fatter grapes.

In my case? It's been hit and miss. Both the Red Suffolk and Fantasy grapes have that large and familiar teardrop shape. But the Black Monukka and Thompson grapes are still quite small and may never grow to a large size. This may be due to the fact that I didn't quite hit that "window of opportunity" correctly. In my case? Time will tell.

Monster Table Grape Vines

Why grow table grapes at home? Why not! Like anything pulled from the tree or vine at the peak of ripeness -- there's nothing quite more rewarding than growing your own. Home grown table grapes are a time-honored summer treasure to be savored and celebrated. There are trials and tribulations and battles to fight. But that sweet crunch of one berry after another makes it all worth it and more.