Confessions of a North Natomas Cherry Grower

Royal Ranier Cherries-3rd Year Crop

Somewhere -- a bird is laughing.

And plotting...

See -- I know this bird. I know this bird intimately. I know this bird well enough to know that his name isn't Bill -- nor is it Venus. But this bird and I do have something in common.

We both love Royal Ranier Cherries. And we'll both go through extraordinary measures to get our dirty little claws on them.

This is one smart bird.

Have you ever grown cherries in your backyard? This is a first for me. Oh -- I've RAIDED cherry trees in other backyards sure enough. Childhood memories from Ribier Avenue in Modesto are ripe with memories of monster trees loaded with thousands of fat, ripe, red cherries.

Royal Ranier Cherries-Two Weeks From Harvest

It was a child's delight "back in the day" to hoist myself halfway up one of those monster trees -- make myself comfortable on a couple of branches and eat cherries to the point where I was litterally sick of them. At that point I would jump down -- walk home -- only to return the very next day and repeat the same steps I had taken the day before.

There were always enough cherries.

I bring up this memory because it seems as if the timeline for actually growing cherries works a little like this:

Year 1: Plant cherry tree

Year 2: Cherry produces 1st small crop

Year 20: Finally get to enjoy your first cherry because it's the one cherry that hasn't been consumed by marauding neighborhood birds.

You see -- I'm a battle with the birds here in North Natomas. It's the Bird against the birds. The prize is a 3rd year crop of lip-smacking Royal Ranier Cherries. And the Bird is losing -- miserably.

The Royal Ranier Cherry Tree-Third Year

The wife that is Venus and I first learned that we would be going to battle every May after we saw a small 2nd year crop of Royal Ranier Cherries vanish overnight. We had just each tasted our first cherry from that 2nd year tree. We both agreed -- as good as those cherries were -- they needed another "day or two" of seasoning in the sunshine.

The birds didn't wait for seasoning. The next day our small crop was gone. I actually watched with chagrin as a robin popped into the tree -- and popped out with the final cherry -- stem and all. The look he gave me that particular day said it all. You can describe it with one word: SUCKER!!!

I had never done battle with the birds over cherry crops all those years ago in Modesto because the trees were so large and lush -- they produced more than enough cherries for an army of boys and birds to consume. It didn't matter if they got the crop at the top. There was more than enough on the lower branches to enjoy.

But that was a 30-year old tree. 30-year old cherry trees produce massively larger crops than three year old cherry trees do. And I'm not about to wait another 27-years to enjoy my first Royal Ranier Cherry. Neither is Venus. We'll both be using walkers by then.

A way to get rid of marauding birds?

So what is an enterprising North Natomas cherry tree grower to do then? I am reminded of a gorgeous young lady that I met one day last spring at a Sacramento Certified Farmer's market. This eye-catching, blue-eyed,  blonde cherry temptress was pushing a huge and wide variety of cherries freshly harvested from the family farm somewhere near Stockton.

When I asked this young lady for advice regarding marauding birds and cherry crops, those blue eyes flashed as she related a now famous line from Nazi Major Toht from a memorable bar fight scene in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark: "Shoot Zem, Shoot Zem All."

Nice advice, but somehow I don't think the Bird neighbors surrounding the Back 40 ranch would appreciate it much if I started blazing away with a shotgun. I'm already pushing the envelope with the Hello Kitty colony of bees. Besides, shotguns and suburbs don't make for a good mix.

Scare Tape on the Royal Ranier Cherry Tree

So what is a frustrated cherry grower to do then? As this photo clearly illustrates -- I took the advice of a Kern County gardener and blogger by the name of Maybelline. "Scare tape," she advised. "Scare tape will keep them away." Sure enough -- I found said Scare Tape at Peaceful Valley Farm Supply in Nevada City -- and thought my problem to be solved.

Just one teensy-eeensy problem. Scare tape might "scare" the birds in Kern County. But here in Sacramento? Bird laugh at scare tape. In fact, they love it. They land right next to it -- and look at without nary a hint of alarm. In fact -- some of that "scare tape" has found it's way into bird nests around the neighborhood.

How do I know this? When you see a bird's next glistening in the sun? You just know. Scare tape that I dutifully tied to cherry and plum trees plus a thornless boysenberry bush that is now in tatters from some bird shredding it into pieces is yet another good sign.

Precious the Cat: Not a fan of Scare Tape

The scare tape did work on one creature. It scared the bird-killer cat of mine into the next yard. That was about the only defense I had against marauding birds anyway, and now Precious the Cat has flown the coop.

The next line of defense? The next line of defense is netting that I purchased out of frustration last year when marauding birds helped themselves to half of the June Pride peach crop that year. Now -- I'm not THAT stingy. I don't mind sharing a fresh fruit meal with my feathered friends. But when the feathered friends started helping themselves to EVERY peach on the June Pride tree? That meant war.

I must admit -- the netting did work wonders when I placed it on the O'Henry Peach tree later that summer. The wife and I enjoyed a late season harvest of beautiful -- un-bird molested -- O'Henry peaches. But I didn't like the effect the netting had on the tree itself. Branches were bent in a downward motion -- and never did straighten out. The tree still doesn't look quite right from a late summer netting -- and this year's terrible bout of peach leaf curl isn't helping matters much either.

Still -- the scare tape was doing everything BUT scare the marauding birds eyeing the Royal Ranier Cherry crop -- so on the netting went this weekend.

Bird after the Bird Cherry crop!

The response has been less than desired. Despite my efforts to tie up every loose nook and cranny -- one bird in particular continues to find his way inside. In fact -- he takes great delight in chattering how much of a fool I am. If he isn't locating holes in the netting at the bottom of the tree -- he's ripping this hole that I tied off with string in the top.

I've caught this one particular bird inside this netting three times today alone. Each time I dutifully locate and close off the hole I've left open -- or the hole he's managed to create. But somehow I think I'm fighting a losing battle.

I've had a weekend to battle this bird. Tomorrow? It's back to work and back to the workplace.

Somewhere a bird is waiting...

And laughing...

It's an Orange New Year!!!

Precious the cat being "precious."

...and a Happy 2011 to you as well! I tell you -- it's been a busy start to what promises to be an even busier New Year. 2011 brings all sorts of challenges to the Bird Household -- which includes a new job -- which deals with a LOT of writing.

Writing about VEGETABLE GARDENING matters you ask? Hah! No -- that would be my dream job. I'll do that in retirement -- along with my other dream job -- selling Steer Manure Compost at my local Home Depot. Us Birds can never retire you know. We have some sort of wacky gene that shuts off the heart muscle at any moment retirement plans are made.

From L-R: Deborah, Andy & Mary Bird

So -- we don't use the word "retire." We use the term; "moving onto the next career," instead. Hopefully, that terrible Bird Family gene will be satisfied and not give the dreaded Final Order. My older sister -- who is quite the vegetable gardener and gourmet chef herself (she's to the left in the family photo) -- is currently preparing for her next career as "Horse Whisperer."

I figure she can supply me with plenty of horse apples with this new profession. But I digress...

Don't you just love this weather? I loved the handy-dandy gardening guide that appeared in last Saturday's Home and Garden section of the Sacramento Bee. It contained lots of colorful suggestions for each month out of the gardening year. You can find it right here if you missed it. It made me want to run right outside and put what was in print into practice -- until I realized it was POURING BUCKETS OF RAIN.

There's nothing like an inch of rain or two to -- uh -- dampen that gardening spirit. Put away the trowel son. Turn on the Mud Bowl instead -- featuring two college nobodies that you've never heard of. Mother Nature has since shut off the spigot -- and given us a blast of icy cold arctic air.

Yet another gardening downer.

Dancy Tangerine tree in November

But -- despite the flooded backyard and muddy gardening areas -- the wonderful wife that is Venus and I have been happily harvesting during this cold weather period. The Dancy Tangerines that were ripening on ye olde citrus tree during October and November are now ready for harvest. This is the third year for my Dancy -- and I must say -- it's been the best ever.

The frosty mornings that kissed our backyards during the months of November and December did not take the terrible toll that I had feared it might. We're not quite out of frost danger yet -- not hardly -- and although a solitary leaf took a freeze hit here and there -- most of our citrus trees are undamaged.

Indeed -- my Bearss Lime tree continues to grow -- as does the Improved Meyer Lemon. In fact -- as I type this -- the Meyer Lemon is actually FLOWERING.

Dancy Tangerines

But -- it's the Dancy that is the real star of this show. It's the oldest citrus tree in our young backyard. It's been -- by far -- the most productive. If I'm brave enough to slip on a pair of mud shoes and traverse through what seems to be a long stretch of brown clay slop -- I'm rewarded with a bowl of 15-20 tangerines.

My initial fear was that the frost had sucked out every last remaining bit of moisture from these tangerines. This has happened in the past. There's nothing quite like the downer of chewing on a tangerine that is as dry as dust. It's sort of like chewing on a well-used mud shoe.

But -- my fears were put to rest during the first harvest. I came back from the mud adventure with a bowl of juicy -- sweet and sour citrus. Better yet? If I let the tangerines sit for a day or two and come to room temperature? The sweetness factor jumped X 10.

I've always been a fan of mixing different kinds of fruit to see "what happens," and I didn't stop with the Dancy Tangerines. I'd like to tell you that I have a Pineapple Tree in the backyard. But that would be -- in fact -- a LIE. However -- pineapples were on sale that week at my local Bel-Air Grocery Store...

Tangerine & Pineapple Breakfast!!! YUM!!!

And who can resist a big, fat pineapple for a $1.99? I can't. So -- two pineapples came home with me on that day. And they found there way into this breakfast bowl of tangerines and pineapples that I prepared for the wonderful wife and I this past weekend.

So -- gardeners -- I share your frustrations. It's wet. It's cold. Conditions just aren't conduicive to stepping outside and digging in the dirt right now. But there's still lots to be done. It's BARE ROOT season people! It's time to order seeds (if you haven't already)! Time to set up the seed rack! Get the grow lights ready!

The 2011 gardening season -- and harvest -- is now -- officially -- underway.