What?! A Vacation?! Now?! Really?! But...

The Ultimate Digging Machine at Capitola

It's a gardener's lament. It's called vacation. It's like the one we took this past weekend to the coast -- where the Ultimate Digging Machine (aka, Bandi, Funny, Steak) saw her fondest dreams come true: miles upon miles of precious, sandy, Capitola coastline where she could dig to her heart's content.

If only those stupid waves would stop getting in the way and filling up every hole she tried to dig.

Vacations and gardening are not easy to mix. A vacation you say? NOW? When everything is coming ripe in the garden? This is the worst possible time to leave! Something is always coming ripe in the Backyard of Bird. Whether it's the generous plantings of heirloom tomatoes, corn, nectarines, grapes, squash, or any other item of garden produce, it just doesn't matter.

Something is about to get ripe. And that grey zucchini that was just about perfect when you left? It's grown to the size of the Battleship Missouri by the time you return. That perfectly shaped Marianna's Peace? It's now soft, plus some critter has bitten into it. Where did those weeds come from and how did they get so big?

Russ and Laurie Maurice

That's just the way it works when it comes to the world of gardening. There simply is no good time to leave. There was, however, a good reason. Long-time friends Russ Maurice and Laurie Williams finally celebrated a long-overdue wedding. Yours truly was honored to be a part of the wedding party. It is the only time I've been chosen to be a groomsman, and will probably the only time I am selected for an honor such as this.

How can one pass up an honor like that? Short answer? You can't. You make the best of it. You load the wife that is Venus and the Ultimate Digging Machine into the family car, celebrate a happy and joyous day among friends and family and most of all: have a good time.

The view from the Hollins House at Pasatiempo

I'm proud to report that we did just that. The Hollins House at Pasatiempo overlooks all of Santa Cruz and mile after mile of blue Pacific Ocean, dotted with bright white sailing vessels of all makes and manners. Not only is it the most picturesque of places to tie the knot, it also features a fine bar with all sorts of fine liquors.

These things are important.

This trip -- and yet another that is still to come -- does happen to come at peak gardening and harvest times for backyard gardening efforts. Bill and Venus Bird are celebrating a whopper of a gardening season. From tomatoes to eggplant and bell peppers to corn -- you can't ask for more. Sure -- there's been a touch of Blossom End Rot with some of the heirloom selections. That's to be expected.

Squash, eggplant, peppers and tomatoes from the garden

But in terms of outright production? You simply cannot ask for more. We've been blessed -- so far -- for what appears to be one whopper of a year. We'll know more when canning efforts swing into high gear later this month, but the garden is now set up and ready for super production over the next two to three months.

You get that special sense that everything is coming up roses when the garden begins to churn out entire dinners, which was the case just before we left. The Grey, Green and Yellow Straightneck Zucchini planted in one corner of the vast backyard are now just beginning to produce in abundance. They join a multitude of peppers and white and purple eggplant that started producing some weeks ago.

Slow roasted vegetables with Beef hotlinks

When you combine all three squash offerings with bell peppers, eggplant and other garden produce, you come up with a special meal that can only be offered a few months out of the year: fresh garden vegetables on skewers slow roasted over an open flame on the backyard barbeque.

My friends, there is nothing quite like the mouth-watering selection of fresh garden vegetables ripened by warm Sacramento summer sunshine and heat. Squash doesn't taste like squash. It tastes like candy. Peppers don't taste like bell peppers. They taste like candy. And there's nothing quite like the tastebud zip of a vine-ripened heirloom tomato that has been lightly toasted and roasted over an open flame.

Heirloom Tomato Appetizers

Candy you say? No -- better.

It is one of those special meals that Venus and I will get to enjoy for many days to come, plus share our bounty with family and friends.

That list does include the newest of married couples: Russ and Laurie. Russ has never been much of a vegetable man -- but neither was I before I met my beautiful bride.

It's amazing how wives can mold a husband. There's hope for Russ yet.

Heaven is...

Tree Ripened Santa Rosa Plum Ready for Picking

Heaven is....Life with the wife that is Venus.

Heaven is...Happiness.

Heaven is...Santa Rosa Plum season.

I must admit -- I've been waiting for this. Not a year or two mind you -- but a lifetime. You don't remember the simple joys of life until they are gone forever -- and you wish you could have them back -- just for a moment or two.

But you can't. The simple joys of life are memories of a simpler time. And unless you've cracked the H.G. Wells code for The Time machine, you can't visit them again.

But I'm here to tell you boys and girls -- that you can come close. Close indeed. I've been there. I was there just tonight.

Santa Rosa Plum Tree-Bird Compound

My memories of Heaven are fresh plum season in mid-1970's Modesto -- and a gigantic, towering, fifty foot tall plum tree across the street from 309 Ribier Avenue. I don't know how it got there. It was just "there" by the time I noticed it. And, you could always count on said tree to deliver a wallop of a harvest.

Heaven was climbing ten-to-15 feet up in those fruit laden branches -- finding the most comfortable spot to lean on and enjoying plum after plum after plum until my fingernails and hands were stained a dark purple. I never did find out what kind of plums they were. All I can tell you is that they were delicious -- and they were bountiful.

That plum tree offered up many a weekend meal or after-school snack during fresh fruit season. The neighbors didn't mind much. In fact, they rather welcomed the sight of me high up in that tree. Because -- soon -- with the onset of hotter days -- the thousands of pieces of leftover fruit in that tree would grow soft.

Santa Rosa Plums-4th Year Crop

And then -- PLOP! Plop on the ground they went. Plop on the neighbor's freshly poured concrete driveway they went, irritating a one Olin Johnson. If the plums weren't plopping on Olin's freshly poured concrete driveway -- the birds that raided that plum tree with regularity -- were leaving something else behind.

Plums make you regular -- much to Olin's chagrin as I recall.

I've never forgotten feasting on those tree-ripened plums all those years ago. I've also never had the opportunity to run across another plum tree like that in the 35-plus years since those special days. I was somewhat distressed to see that the plum tree that so offended Olin Johnson and his freshly poured concrete driveway had been cut down during my last visit back to the old neighborhood.

Of course -- Olin was long gone by this time. There wasn't even a stump to serve as a reminder that a magical plum tree rested there. It was a plum tree that just didn't feed Bill Bird -- but entire neighborhood of young boys just like Bill Bird and -- well -- generations of other "birds."

4th Year Crop-Lush With Plums

It's safe to say that I have waited to repeat this moment since Venus and I first planted our Santa Rosa plum tree four years ago in our North Natomas compound. She would come to discover that it would be the first of many such trees -- but the Santa Rosa was the first.

Although my hope is that the Santa Rosa would be similar to the plums I snacked on decades ago on Ribier Avenue, I realized after the first small crop that it wasn't. The tree delivered another small crop during its second year -- and last year's harvest of 30-to-50 plums was enough to warrant this joyous blog posting.

Ripe for the Picking -- and Snacking!

But it still wasn't what I wanted. What I yearned for is a return to the days when I was a 12-year old boy with enough boundless energy to leap into plum trees with a single bound, hang upside down on a sturdy branch, and snack away until my stomach couldn't hold another bite of plum.

I suppose I'm here to tell you in an excited way that I reached that special nirvana tonight. No, I did not climb said tree. Bill Bird is a tad heavier now than he was 35 years ago -- just a tad. And that "boundless" energy that 12-year old boys have vanishes somewhere -- I'm not really sure as to where.

But that didn't stop me from reaching up to feed on a four year old Santa Rosa plum crop until I reached that special fruit "nirvana." It arrives when you've had just enough. You've eaten your fill. You cannot think of eating another. And yet -- when that hunger returns tomorrow or the next day? There is more than enough to meet said desire.

Ultimate Digging Machine Tenderizing Kitten

As I was feeding the Ultimate Digging Machine, Bandi the Mutt, her share of Santa Rosa plums, it struck me. I had indeed had my fill. I had eaten enough to the point where I was actually sharing plums with the dog we brought home from Oregon from last summer.

It was at that point that Nirvana struck. Had I fed plums to Bon-Bon the family mutt in 1970's Modesto? The faithful family dog that helped raise a family of four children, including the youngest? A boy who loved to climb the nearest fruit trees and eat his fill, while tossing scraps to the ground?

For an instant -- just an instant -- I found myself there. The moment I'd waited to repeat for decades came and went with a flash. The smile had I had on my face as I walked back inside was hard to describe, and also brought questions from the wife that is Venus.

And she's still not quite sure why I'm not interested in having dinner tonight.

The Bag Man!

Marquitos and Celina Show Off the Flower Pouch

Bill Bird is the bag man -- and so is nephew Marquitos -- pictured here with his flower bag creation. It's rare when the new dog teaches an old dog some new tricks -- but that's exactly what happened this past weekend in the Bird Back 40.

I suppose a (short) explanation is needed.

I had never considered using bags to grow flowers or produce before until I spotted a photo of a bag in use some years ago while thumbing through one of the gazillions of gardening magazines we have strewn about the house (these things never get tossed -- they just get shoved into unused corners). This particular bag was covered with ripe strawberries -- and the particular advertisement was aimed at growers who had limited space.

I don't necessarily have limited space (though I am filling it up fast) -- but the thought of growing strawberries or flowers along the fence line did intrigue me.

Gaviota Strawberry Crowns

I have a lot of fence. My drip irrigation lines are already bolted to the fence. Possibilities abound.

Although the creators of the "Topsy Turvey" tomato creation offer a similar creation (strawberry grow bags) -- I wasn't about to blow $5 to $10 for just one bag. Bill Bird isn't just frugal. He's CHEAP! Ask the wife that is Venus -- and the rather ingenious plan to stick her diamond wedding ring in a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken (she didn't find it until she had consumed the mashed potatoes. Hey, priorities are priorities!).

Secondly -- I didn't want to plant the kind of strawberries that you find at your local nursery. Those are fine I suppose -- but I wanted something special. I wanted the varieties that you see in those one or two acre strawberry farms strewn across the Sacramento and San Joaquin Valleys. Know what I'm talking about? They are the plants that yield big, fat, juicy, lip-smacking strawberries that fresh fruit lovers dream about over the winter months.

Lip-Smacking Albion Strawberries

There's just one problem: Those varieties are "protected." Specifically developed by UC Davis, cultivars with legendary names like Chandler, Albion and Gaviota are NOT easy to find. The growers who maintain those one or two acre strawberry farms will be happy to sell you a flat of strawberries. But they stop short at selling a plant. I should know -- I tried -- and I failed -- MISERABLY.

Help would come in the form of a co-worker by the name of Nghia (Nee-Ah) Demovic (I call her DemoNvic because she takes great pleasure in making me look like a fool). Born in Saigon before the fall of Vietnam, Nghia immigrated to the United States when she was still a child. Despite the challenges that these children faced, Nghia easily transitioned from Eastern to Western Culture and is one of the top communications professionals working in California's State Capitol today.

But she also still has a firm command of the Vietnamese language -- which I put to good use. She could talk to the Vietnamese and Hmong farmers in ways that I could not. And -- in the space of an hour -- she managed to find what I could not discover over the space of six months: a source for the UC Cultivars.

Albion Strawberry Crowns Planted Beneath Apple Trees

I was like a kid at Christmas as I browsed through the Sakuma Brothers Strawberry Farm website. There they were -- the UC cultivars I had been looking for. And -- at a price of $5 or $6 for ten crowns (plants)? The price was right down Bill Bird's Alley of Cheapness. I couldn't order them fast enough.

As for the grow bags? Google is your friend. Once I started googling the terms of "grow bags" and "strawberries" and weeding through multiple advertisements for the Topsy Turvey strawberry bag and its inflated price -- I spotted something familiar. It was the bag that I had spotted in that gardening magazine years earlier.

The bag in question is called Original Al's Flower Pouch. And -- at a price of a buck a bag -- it was well within my price range. There are many outlets for the Flower Pouch, and some sellers will attempt to charge you more than a buck a bag, but keep looking. That's the nice thing about free market competition. Someone is always going to undercut the other guy.

Original Al's Flower Pouch-10 slots

Original Al's Flower Pouch contains anywhere from five, six or ten different slits or holes. These are very small. The first problem I would run into is, how do I fit that fat bundle of flower roots through that tiny hole? Should I fill the bag with dirt first and then plant? Or should I find a way to shove the plants into those tiny openings first -- then fill it with dirt?

The bag could not tell me. It was just a bag. Bags don't talk. And the bag did not come with instructions.

My first inclination was to rip the root ball of the petunia starter plants I'd purchased into two different pieces. But that wasn't easy. I nearly destroyed the first plant I tried this "trick" with. As a matter of fact, it's still trying to recover.

Petunia Starter Plants

It would take the advice of a seven-year old nephew to crack this nut. "Why not squeeze them," he asked in an innocent voice. I initially waved him off with a "no, that won't work" type of adult response when I discovered, to my horror, that he had already squeezed one root ball into the shape of a popsicle. I watched this boy -- in wonder -- as he slid that starter plant effortlessly inside that small hole. The base of the plant anchored itself to the outside of the bag, and the root ball, once inside, expanded to the point where it could not slip back out.

The kid is a genius.

In no time at all -- the kid who had all the answers managed to fill up all ten slots -- fill the flower pouch with dirt and hang it against a fence.

More Strawberries!

Venus and I would repeat the same kind of trick the next day with Albion Strawberry crowns. This was a bit trickier as we had to fill the bag half full with dirt first -- before planting the crowns -- then praying that they wouldn't fall out as we turned the bag up after planting and proceeded to fill it to the top with additional planter mix..

The crowns didn't move.

And so my good gardening friends -- there you have it. Bill & Venus Bird have graduated to "bag man" and "bag lady" status. There are eight more flower pouches to fill. What should we try next?

We are taking suggestions!

Snip, Snip, Snip!!!

Smile! It's SPRING!

Let the record show -- on this day -- May 1st, 2011 -- Mother Nature finally delivered the most beautiful, warm, wonderful spring day of the year. It's been a long time coming. Yesterday's windy conditions down here in the North Natomas riverbottom frustrated me to no end. But today? Today my friends -- as the photo will show -- today is a day for wide, colorful smiles.

Let the record show that -- on this date -- Bill & Venus Bird will fire up the Mantis Rototiller and get to work on amending the test bed for the 2011 corn, melon and squash crops. But it's a little early yet. The Mantis makes quite the racket. I'll let the nearby neighbors enjoy a bit more Sunday stillness before I intrude upon their Sunday quiet.

In the meantime -- big things are literally jumping out of the ground in the Bird Back 40. If you're a fan of home grown fruit? It's a sight to behold. The fruit tree trimming practices that Venus and I learned from City of Folsom Arborist Ken Menzer last year have been put into practice. The resulting yield has been quite surprising to witness.

He was right.

Flavor Finale Pluot Tree

There are two things from Ken's class that stick out in my mind. The first? "Fruit trees grow very fast," he instructed. That surprised me because it seems like I've been waiting eons for my backyard fruit crops to produce in the eye-popping numbers that I desire. The second? The second tip he delivered, which Venus and I have also put into practice, is to fertilize fruit trees on a monthly basis.

This doesn't mean you're required to get on your hands and knees with hoe in hand and scrape fertilizer into the soil around a base of a tree either. Nope -- his instruction was to take a small handful of fertilizer and just toss it under a tree once a month. In my case? I use a set of measuring cups that I keep in the garage. Each tree gets a 1/4 cup of fertilzer or less once a month without fail.

Pluots on the Flavor Finale Pluot Tree-Year 2

The advice that he delivered -- to prune every fruit tree branch after it has developed five leafsets -- plus fertilize monthly -- has produced some impressive results as you might be able to tell from the photo to your upper left. That, my friends, is the Flavor Finale Pluot tree that wifey and I planted during the 2010 bare root planting season. It had exactly three branches on it.

Today? A little over a year later? The Flavor Finale Pluot has about 30 branches. There is fruit all over the tree. It is growing like a weed -- as are the nectarine trees that we have planted out in the front yard -- in a small corner tucked against the home. The next door neighbor -- a retired farm-hand who worked peach groves all his life in Yuba and Sutter Counties -- warned me that "it would never work."

Today -- those trees -- also planted about one year ago -- trimmed and fertilized faithfully -- are approaching seven feet in height. Each of the three trees is loaded with nectarines. Unlike the peach trees planted in the Bird Back 40 -- which are suffering from a terrible bout of peach-leaf curl this year (Farmer Fred Hoffman has an excellent and informative posting on peach-leaf curl here) -- the nectarines are healthy and loaded with new branch growth. The neighbor -- who worked commercial farms for most of his adult life -- is quite fascinated with the growth show that is taking place and is considering his own patch of home-grown fruit.

Nectarine Trees-Frontyard Orchard Culture

See? This insanity cannot be cured.

Although the pluot is not part of a grouped Backyard Orchard Culture concept planting -- I am still treating it as if it is. This means trimming the tip off each branch after five leaf-sets have emerged. The Flavor Finale Pluot has reacted to this trimming party by growing at least two-to-three new branches from each branch that has been pruned. Once the new branches have unfurled to five or six leafsets -- they too are pruned back -- resulting in a tidal wave of branch growth.

I have already started the process of pruning the pluot for the first time in 2011. The new branches that emerged with the onset of a cold spring earlier this year have already unfurled to five or six leafsets. The trick to this pruning method is to prune at least three or four times per spring, summer and fall season. It's not hard -- but it does require an hour or so of time to locate all of the new growth and prune it back. Since the new growth is green and pliable -- it doesn't take much effort. You don't even need gardening shears. Fingers and fingernails work quite nicely.

New branch (left) emerging from trimmed branch (right)

I am not quite sure if the pruning or fertilizing routines are the reason behind this rapid and sudden growth. Like everyone else who prefers home grown fruit -- I can tell you that some trees are doing well and others not-so-well (see: peaches). But I can tell you that every tree that has been subjected to this trimming and fertilization effort has resulted in rapid, eye-popping growth. There's not a failure among the bunch.

So -- if you love it? WHACK IT! Remember? With each new branch that emerges during a summer of pruning? That's just one more branch that will result in a boatload of fresh fruit the following year.

From BUST to BOOM in Nine Months

Bees Swarming to Meet You!

BOOM!

So -- is this what it feels like? To be a successful home beekeeper hobbyist? Folks -- I was an utter and complete FAILURE at this exercise when decided to adopt this hobby out of pure frustration a few years back. I too -- knew what it was like -- to have the shape of an "L" on my forehead.

I was "expert" at losing hives. I was an even bigger "expert" at losing queens. No matter what I tried -- no matter what I did -- I FAILED and failed MISERABLY.

But all of that seems so long ago now. Because -- today? I'm a successful beekeeper hobbyist as the photo to the upper right will attest. That is the current state of the neon pink Hello Kitty Hive. To put it short and sweet? It's loaded -- both deeps are packed solid with bees so thick that they fall out of the hive like a graceful curtain blowing in the wind.

One-Half of the Hello Kitty Hive

Much to my chagrin -- and the chagrin of others in the neighborhood -- the hive has now swarmed three times this spring. While many beekeepers are proud of swarms -- because it is the sign of a massively reproductive hive -- they do their level best to prevent it. A swarm happens when a hive becomes jam packed and overcrowded. But it also means you lose precious numbers of beekeeping friends that could have been better put to work making fresh honey for the wife that is Venus.

Beekeeper Keith Scott took these amazing photographs last week while collecting Swarm #2 -- that had come to rest behind the Dinner Plate Honeysuckle Vine. What he witnessed and photographed surprised even the most experienced of beekeepers. Tens of thousands of bees were still packed tightly into the hive even after the second swarm. Tens of thousands remain after Swarm #3 took place this past weekend.

I was surprised to find out that the activity gained the interest of a none-too pleased neighbor. I can't blame him for his dismay -- nor the note he left behind on the blog. If you do not have any experience with watching a hive suddenly swarm into the open on a bright and sunny day -- it can be one of the most terrifying and fascinating events to watch unfold.

Nobody ever said nature was pretty.

Bee Swarm #II in the Dinner Plate Honeysuckle Vine

To protect the innocent -- we'll call this neighbor "Mr. Neighbor." He left this note in the comments section of the blog: "As one of your nearby neighbors, I am a little less than amused by a swarming of bees. It seems to be happening again today (Apr 9th)...might have been nice if we had been warned or even given a choice as to whether or not we wanted this influx of bees."

Some of my more hardened beekeeping friends came to my defense by suggesting that I leave the next swarm in his bed. As much as I chuckled at the "Godfatherly" suggestion -- I was also concerned. I want to be a good neighbor. I like my neighbors. Sure -- Venus and I could have moved out to acreage from North Natomas into Rio Linda -- but that also meant isolation.

I've done that. I've been there. I had my two acres. I couldn't stand the quiet. I hated the privacy that acreage brings. I didn't know my neighbors from Jack. Bill Bird is a product of the Modesto, CA suburbs. I like waving to neighbors as I drive down the street. 4th of July Block Parties shared with family and neighbors are the bomb. Nothing is better -- in my opinion -- that a boatload of children screaming out TRICK OR TREAT on Halloween night.

Nephew Marquitos Stromberg With Yellow Carrot Harvest

Mr. Neighbor would later add that he had a grandaughter that very much enjoyed visting the home and backyard of her grandparents -- which I also identified with. Venus and I have not been blessed with the gift of children. We instead smother our love and affection on nephew Marquitos and niece Celina -- who reward us with "most favored destination" status. Can you imagine then -- how we would feel if Marquitos and Celina were suddenly too scared to visit "Tío and Tía?"

We would be crushed. Mr. Neighbor and his wife would feel equally crushed if their grandaughter reacted in the same manner. I can understand and identify with that concern. I can also identify with the fact that -- while bees are legal to keep in Sacramento City limits -- they can also be classified as nuisance problems. Therefore, it's best to reach out and react before problems are allowed to fester into something larger.

Promising "Mr. Neighbor" a jar of honey for his troubles also helped smooth things over a bit, as did a message of understanding. When the bees swarmed for the first time nearly two weeks ago, leaving a resulting mass of bees on a nearby peach tree, I wasn't sure what to do. I certainly did not approach them. Were they agitated? Would they reach out and "touch me" with a stinging party? I didn't know -- and I surely didn't want to find out.

Honeybees Preparing to Swarm

But the nice thing about beekeeping is this: you learn the basics from others. You find out that swarms are just a part of nature and nothing more. Better yet -- swarms of Italian honeybees are as harmless as any bee colony will ever be. You can reach out and run your hand over the top of one -- provided you have the nerve -- and they will not instinctively react with a stinging party. They have no hive to protect -- therefore -- no reason to sting.

And so -- much to the delight -- and chagrin -- of some -- Bill Bird is now a successful beekeeper with a strong colony inside that bright pink Hello Kitty Hive. What is my secret? How did this failure of a hobbyist beekeeper go from BUST to BOOM overnight? How did three frames worth of bees delivered last June result in a massive hive nine months later that is so healthy it's splitting at a record rate?

I wish I could tell you the secret. I'd like to know myself. While Venus and I did make every effort to keep the hive in sugar water during the first few months -- once the bees turned aggressive last October -- and our pathway to the hive turned into a mudpit -- we ended our feeding efforts. To be brutally honest? We didn't do a darn thing. We stayed away.

As it turns out? They didn't need our help. As it turns out? I have far more pollen sources around this North Natomas home than I ever dreamed possible. A colony this strong -- this large and this lush doesn't get this way overnight without a steady source of pollen from a variety of sources.

A Keith Scott Photo

Obviously? The bees found that source. I find that the colony is also very adept at "planting" its own sources of pollen around the hive. Am I trying to tell you that I have bees that farm? I can only tell you that the clover that is springing up in every corner of the Bird Back 40 is coming from somewhere -- seeds of which that have no doubt been deposited by a passing bee. I certainly didn't put it there.

The end result is this: Bill and Venus Bird have the pollinators that they desperately sought in 2007. Roseville area beekeeper Keith Scott is getting fat in the beekeeping hobbyist business with three new colonies catpured from the Bird Back 40. Neighbors like "Mr. Neighbor" and Greg and Dara DiBiase and many others are getting treated to a swarm show that many people never get to witness in person.

Interesting? Without a doubt. A learning experience? Of course! And the show is now just begining. Act II of the beekeeping experience moves from pollination to honey collection later this summer.

Stay tuned...

Welcome to the Jungle!!!

2011 Heirloom Tomato Plant Starters

Like the song says -- "It gets worse here everyday."

Little did Guns N' Roses know that they would be singing about MY heirloom tomato plant starters!

Look at it and weep kids -- this is the SAD state of Bill & Venus Bird's heirloom seed starting effort later this year. The plants to your right have now shot past the shoplights. I can't set them any higher. Those lights are on the highest setting I have.

Never in my life did I think that I would grow three foot high heirloom tomato plant starters -- but the pictures do not lie. This is the sad state of a Bird bedroom at the moment. And with the rain pounding against a windowsill on a dreary and dark Saturday afternoon -- combined with gardening areas that are completely waterlogged -- I have come to the following conclusion:

There will be no "early spring planting" this year. Heck -- I'm still waiting for a day resembling spring to arrive. I haven't seen it. Nobody in Northern California has. And -- as bad as we have it down in the Natomas basin (that's the riverbottom folks) -- heirloom tomato growers further up the hill have it even worse than we do.

Welcome to the Tomato Jungle

Those gardens are buried under a couple of feet of fresh snowfall. Know what that means? Tomato season is still more than a few weeks off my friends.

It would not have been safe to plant out now anyway. April weather in these parts is rather "fickle." Still -- most of us gardening types would have at least liked a glimpse or two of spring sunshine. But there's been nothing like it around here for far too long.

My only hope? Next week's weather forecast. I must say, it does look rather promising. But that's next week. What am I supposed to do with these monsters in the meantime?

My attempts to encourage stronger and thicker stem growth have most been a failure. Three weeks ago the wonderful wife that is Venus and I staked each starter plant and started feeing them with fish emulsion fertilizer, which is nitrogen-rich.

Canopy of GREEN!

The end result? Oh, the starter plants flourished alright. You can tell that by the photos. But instead of encouraging stem growth, the staking and fertilizing resulted leggy plants that are now ten inches to a foot higher than they were three weeks ago. There's no doubt in my mind now that I will have to transplant these leggy starters into larger cups during the hardening off process -- that much is sure.

But the real danger is -- after transplanting -- is that Venus and I will lose the use of the shuttle trays that have made transportation such a snap. Each tray holds ten starter cups. Moving fifty starter plants from one place to another isn't all that difficult when you're dealing with five trays.

However -- moving fifty individual starter plants from one place to another does present a host of problems. The shuttle trays will not accommodate the larger sized transplant cups -- which means we will have to move each starter plant by hand, two to three at a time.  Although we could probably do this once or twice, it can't be a regular part of the hardening off process.



Leggy Starters: Still Leggy!



So, we'll hope and pray that next week's warm weather will at least stick around for awhile. While the plants will be placed under a covered patio that will guard them from rain and direct sun, it won't guard against another cold, howling rainstorm that lasts for days (or weeks) on end.

So, it is somewhat of a gamble.

But -- should the sunshine and warmer temperatures arrive next week as the forecasts promise -- and stick around -- the payoff will be bushy and vibrant heirloom tomato plant starters during plantout. The thought of a spring rain doesn't bother me much. In fact, the plants seem to like a warm drenching from time to time.

However, should another cold, gusty, gully-buster arrive in mid-April? That spells trouble with a capital T. I'd come home to the rather distressing sight of heirloom tomato plant starters tossed about the Back 40.

That's never a good sign. Keep your fingers crossed. Mine most certainly are.

Happy, Happy Joy, Joy!!!

Only the BEST Christmas gift EVAR!

Riddle me this?

What's better than a shopping trip to the man's toy store -- also known as the Home Depot?

We'll -- I'll tell you.

It's a shopping trip to the man's toy store -- with a $200 gift card in Bill Bird's grubby little hands. Now that children -- is a slice of heaven! It's free cash! It's free stuff! It's one of the very few chances to spring on something that I WANT -- rather than what I really NEED.

As my dear old mother taught me years ago, there is a difference between the two. Although -- I must admit -- I do try to blur the lines as much as possible.

So -- on the first day of a three-day weekend -- our Master of All Things Gardening Errors found himself at the North Natomas Home Depot -- looking to pick up what he really needed and also a few things that he really WANTED.

Loading Up at the Depot

NEED: Light bulbs of all shapes and sizes. These goofy, new cookie-cutter homes in cookie-cutter developments are outfitted with every kind of light bulb conceivable to mankind. Remember when light bulbs came with four or five different choices? Were you shopping for 60 watt, 75 watt, or the dreaded 100 watt eye atomizer? A few years later -- a new choice entered the shopping realm -- regular blinding white or "soft white." But still -- choices were few and far between.

My friends -- those days are LONG gone. It's getting to the point now where someone could open a new store dedicated to light bulbs and light bulbs only. There's a reason why Home Depot dedicates an entire aisle to all things light bulbs. They come in an array of shapes, sizes, colors and tints now. Plug in or screw in? Saucer shaped or straight? Ceiling fan bulb or appliance bulb? Oh -- they might look the same -- but apparently -- there's a difference. Read label directions!

Bare Root Fruit Trees!

WANT: When it comes to a store like Home Depot I just can't confine myself to the areas that sell the products that Bill & Venus Bird really NEED. There's got to be that inevitable tour to the garden area where BARE ROOT season is in full swing this year.

There's nothing like row of neatly lined bare-root fruit trees to get the heart muscle pumping. Peaches here and plums there -- all of them promising a lip-smacking payoff. All you have to do is purchase -- take them home -- dig a hole and plant.

Or -- if you're not in the market for a fruit tree -- how about a fruit bush? Table grapes anyone? Blackberry vines? Raspberries? Boysenberries. They're all boxed up in an array of shapes and sizes -- just waiting for someone to take them home.

Bare Root Raspberry

But this time -- I would not allow my natural instinct of gluttony to take over. I learned a hard lesson last year when I followed some advice that may have not been all that good -- planting four bare-root blueberry bushes underneath our peach and cherry tree plantings. We were assured the pairing would work -- as would planting strawberry plants under said trees.

Unfortunately -- it didn't work. Three of the blueberry bushes gave up the ghost with the onset of summer. The fourth and final bush is still alive. Unfortunately -- the Lapin Cherry tree it was planted under? It died from what I strongly suspect to be brown rot. At least -- I think it's dead. I'll know more this spring when it should flower with abundance. If it doesn't? DEAD!

But -- back to the subject at hand -- I was actually looking for something specific. I would not find them at Home Depot on this day -- but I did find them later somewhere else.

But that is a blog subject for another day and time. As of right now? I have light bulbs to replace!

Back to the Beginning...

My friends -- I've been gone too long!!!

Do not despair. I did not fall off a cliff (as some of you might have hoped). I did not fall through a Black Hole or Space-Time Loop thingy (so much for sounding smart).

The reason for my absence is that nasty six-word letter that is clearly demonstrated to your immediate right:

RENTAL

This is actually our first home. Our "Beginner's Permit" into the world of gardening and heirloom tomatoes if you will. This is where it all got started. And no -- it didn't always used to look quite this bleak. But -- this is how it looks today. It looks a tad lonely -- doesn't it? In need of a splash of color? Perhaps...

But if I had been relating my gardening experiences five or six years ago -- here is what the same area would have looked like. This is where the first foray into gardening experiments took place. The first heirloom tomatoes planted by Bill & Venus Bird in our postage stamp sized backyard were planted here.

It's here where I learned about a Brave New World called the Brandywine. It's here where I discovered that not all tomatoes are red. Some are green with yellow stripes. You could have knocked me over with a Better Boy starter plant when I learned that tomatoes come in every color of the rainbow and a whole lot more.

The picture to the left is the same area -- taken five or six years ago I believe. Quite a difference in color and attitude -- wouldn't you say? We didn't have a whole lot of room back then. I called our little backyard experiment a "postage-stamp sized backyard" because it was barely enough to contain everything I wanted.

But it wasn't enough. We managed to outgrow it rather quickly. Once I discovered -- and the wonderful wife that is Venus also discovered -- her magic green thumb -- well - it didn't take long before we started drafting plans to move our garden exploits into the front yard. And we would have done that too -- had not fate intervened with a new backyard for the ages.

It's a backyard that is still a "work in progress."

It hasn't received much attention lately either -- but that's another story for another day. The focus today is on the first yard and the first home -- because that's where Venus and I have been buried under gallons of new paint and cleaning supplies.

We never wanted to be landlords. The housing market decided that. We never wanted to open up the house to renters -- because some renters leave behind a royal, bloody mess. Our last renters did just that -- which forced us into action.

There used to be a time when I would encounter people who owned two homes and thought, "oh, you must be rich." HA! What a silly, terrible joke that is. The fact is -- joke is on me. We might have the slips on two pieces of property -- but we are right back where we started at square one: struggling to make ends meet at the end of every month.

Still -- there are renters who do believe that "Bill and Venus must be rich," which might explain the layer of crap they left behind. How two dogs could leave behind a 20-year layer of dog drool on a window after just one year of occupancy is beyond me.

But that was just the start.

The landscaping and drip irrigation that Venus and I had patiently installed through the years had been dug up and chewed on in various places. Every sprinkler that went into every raised bed -- or led to a tree or bush had been chewed up and digested. The only thing left was a scrap of tubing here and a scrap of tubing there. It appears that some attempt had been made to repair the damage -- with duct tape no less (it can fix anything, just ask MaGruder).

Oh -- yes -- lets not forget the mini-geyers that erupted in every corner of the backyard everytime the drip system was turned on. Those open holes can shoot a stream of water 20 feet high or 20 feet wide.

And they did.

But the damage to the backyard was only one part of the story. The previous renters loved nails. At least I think they had a love affair with them. I found them pounded by the dozen into nearly every wall. How many pictures or crap could two people hang in the course of a year? Where did those bullet holes come from? Are those really bullet holes?

I think that -- because of the misguided perception that rental owners are indeed "wealthy people," the previous renters may have mistakingly believed that we could just hire someone to patch and paint every square inch of 1600 square feet of space.

Well -- they're right! The painters are named Bill N' Venus. Nice to meet you two. Our painting experience? Yes -- we painted a beehive in the bright color of "Hello Kitty" pink. Any house painting experience? Us? Really? Uh -- no.

But this is what happens when you deal with perceptions that have no connection to reality.

Now -- I can tell you good people -- that Bill and Venus are indeed "house painters." Not good house painters mind you -- not hardly. It's why this blog hasn't been updated in a solid month.

But I can tell you that we now own the experience of painting an entire house from top to bottom -- from the ceiling to the baseboards. And I can tell you this much:

Kids -- don't do this at home.

Hire it out instead.

Remember -- you're a rental owner. Which means -- you're rich.