Peachy Keen

June Pride Peach Tree-Bird Back 40

There is only one thing that I can think of in this world that's better than a tree full of ripening peaches. It would have to be a peach tree, loaded with peaches, that is doubling in size.

Why is this such a good thing? DUH! More peaches next year! When it comes to growing fresh peaches in the backyard, one tree full of peaches is never enough. Two or three trees is just about right.

There is something rather strange and exciting taking place in the Bird Back 40 this 2012 spring season. The peach trees that the wife that is Venus and I planted some four years ago are -- for some reason -- both growing like weeds. It's enough to make a amateur peach grower wonder: Why didn't this happen last year? The year before? Why this year?

Exponential Peach Tree Growth

Both the June Pride and O'Henry peach trees are finally beginning to take off in terms of new growth. And while that may not mean much in terms of peach production this year, it almost certainly portends good things to come next year and in the years to follow.

I still haven't begun to figure out why certain fruit trees will grow an inch one year and then two feet the next. Does it have anything to do with fertilization? Water? Perhaps they're just in a really good mood? Those love songs I croon to them in the dead of night (sorry neighbors)?

Not that I'm complaining mind you. I'd always been somewhat distressed by the lack of growth in both Bird Back 40 peach selections. Don't peach trees get any bigger than this? Hey! Look at that Royal Rainier Cherry tree planted some 30 feet away! It grew ten feet last year! Why can't you do that June Pride?

Perhaps the shame worked.

Ripening O'Henry Peach

It also might be the fertilization schedule that I adopted last year at the advice of Folsom City Arborist Ken Menzer. His point was, why fertilize fruit trees once or twice and then stop? Why not fertilize them once a month? Why not try a cocktail of different fertilizers? If the liquid organic fertilizers are so successful with tomato crops, try feeding the same mixture to the fruit and citrus trees.

Menzer's message has largely been a blessing. It's not just the peach trees that are literally reaching for the sky this spring. The table grapes -- now entering their third year of growth -- are putting on a show I've never quite witnessed. Several of the citrus trees are reacting in the same manner. The Dancy Mandarin, for example, has now grown so large that I will need a ladder to harvest the production at the top of the tree.

New Fruit Bearing Branches-June Pride Peach

Although the mockingbirds that curse the Bird Back 40 are casting a hungry glance at the June Pride and O'Henry peaches that are slowly growing into maturity this season -- I dare not throw a net over these trees. While netting does preserve a crop for "humans only" it also tends to bend branches in a downward direction. What had been a ten foot tall tree loses a foot or three once the netting is removed.

Short and sweet? Those new branches that are green and pliable have been bent in a terrible direction for so long that they're not going to "straighten up and fly right" again. So -- the net stays off. The mockingbirds will probably knock half the crop off the tree -- a tragedy no doubt. But my "new growth" patience will pay off with larger harvests in the years to come.

What more could anyone ask? What's better than fresh peach pie? Two peach pies!

I'm such a glutton!

The Show

Wonderful Pomegranate in Full Bloom

It's Memorial Day Monday at the Bird Ranch and the Show is on full display. It happens at this point every year it seems. Some years the show is a little better than others. This happens to be one of "them years." The Show is on.

I am, of course, referring to the show that our pomegranate tree is putting on. Largely hidden from the rest of the world, our four year old Wonderful Pomegranate is erupting with one of the most incredible and brilliant flower displays I've ever seen.

A Colorful Flower Show

Why did I stick this thing in a side yard? Why am I that dumb? While I knew that I wanted a pomegranate tree in the fruit salad Bird Back 40 collection, based upon my enjoyment of them as a child, I had forgotten the rather brilliant display this tree had given me as a child all those years ago in mid-1970's Modesto.

The tree that inspired me all those years ago is still alive and kicking, believe it or not. Located in front of a Norwegian Avenue home near what used to be an old-style A&W drive-in restaurant, it is well manicured and is as productive as ever. Hello old friend. It's good to see you again.

A Native California Pollinator

Given another chance? I would have stuck the Santa Rosa plum tree in the side yard and put the showy pomegranate out front.

This is going to be the heaviest year yet for pomegranate production thanks to some uber-pollination efforts that are currently taking place. A close examination of this tree yields the discovery of multiple pollinators. I spotted several of the Halictus species, aka sweat bees, just going to town on the coral red flowers and bright yellow stamens. The tree is very close to a mason bee home that I received as a gift several years ago, and they were out in abundance as well.

Hummingbird in Flight: Center Right

Honeybees also could not resist the lure and aroma of these tempting flowers, many of which have been transformed into small pomegranates. And just when I thought the show couldn't get any more diverse, in dropped a neighborhood hummingbird for a sweet drink of pomegranate flower nectar. He quickly zoomed away before I could get a proper closeup, but he's clearly visible in the one photo I managed to snap.

Short and sweet? I love the Show. This tree literally hums with life and production during the spring. Lenny, the Giant Maine Coon Kitten, enjoys the shade it provides below. It also serves as a base from where he can conduct a surprise charge and attack against the unsuspecting dog, aka, Ultimate Digging Machine.

Heavy Crop Now Forming

The pomegranates that are now forming will grow and add size and girth through the summer months. When they turn a glossy dark red in the fall, usually late October, it's time to harvest. I've learned, through experience, that harvest season is fairly quick. You can't allow pomegranates to hang on a tree like citrus. If they are not harvested quickly, they will split and spoil easily.

This means lots of gifts for family, friends and neighbors. It also means lots of pomegranate juice, which is a wonderful addition to freshly-squeezed lemonade. Pomegranates are also great for fresh eating, though they can be messy. Even after 40 years, nobody has quite discovered how to take the mess out of pomegranates. It's enough to make any mother of an eight year old pomegranate crazed boy cringe in terror.

It's pomegranate season. The show is on.

The Life of a Potato Farmer

All Blue Potato Flower

It's been said -- by those who are much smarter than me -- that once you grow potatoes, you will always grow potatoes.

This also includes the caveat of: Whether you want them or not.

I'm here to tell you that the old saying is indeed truth. Potato plants are literally popping up in different raised beds around the Bird Back 40, even though I'd swear that I didn't plant seed potatoes there.

Ultimate Digging Machine & Cohort at Rest

Of course I didn't. They are springing up from what remains from last year's crop. OR -- they got moved by some critter from one bed to another. This I can believe, especially upon watching the Ultimate Digging Machine derive great pleasure from flipping plums and other produce she finds on the ground straight into the air.

It's not a plum or a potato. It's a dog play toy. Sometimes those leftover potatoes wind up in the strangest places, which begs the question of, "how did THAT get THERE?"

Lush, Green Potato Plants in Raised Bed

I'll admit -- the wife that is Venus really went to town on potato planting efforts this year. Seed potatoes were procured from a variety of places -- including the standby Peaceful Valley Farm Supply. But we also found a nice selection of reds and fingerlings at our nearby Big Box Lowes in West Sacramento.

Venus planted all varieties in early March, while the weather was somewhat cold and rainy, but the less-than-stellar weather conditions didn't hurt growth conditions much. The reds and fingerlings were the first to break the soil line, but have also been the last to flower.

Fingerling Potato Flower

The "All Blue" and "Colorado Rose" varieties purchased at Peaceful Valley got off to a somewhat later start, but the All Blue is putting on quite the show at the moment with a bevy of blue flower clusters in the garden.

I have discovered -- not completely by accident mind you -- that raised beds are perfect for growing a large, healthy and lush potato crop. The loose soil conditions that exist in these beds are perfect for root crops like potatoes, carrots, even radishes. When you begin to notice that the soil line begins to crack in numerous places and also appears to rise by an inch or more -- it's good news.

That's a LOT of French Fries!

Something very good is taking place underneath that soil line. One begins to dare to dream of home-grown french fries -- which are like none other.

While the honeybees that grace our backyard mostly ignore the potato flowers of white, blue and purple -- the same can't be said of the native pollinators. I've come to discover that carpenter bees -- those giant black and yellow bees that one can hear coming from 100-yards away -- have particular liking for these flowers. And they always make sure to pollinate the nearby flowers hanging from tomato plants after they've drilled into the potatoes.

This isn't a bad thing, people.

Potato Flowers: Signs of Spring

If all goes according to plan? In the next week or two, the plants themselves will begin to die back slowly. The flowers will wither and drop. Spuds will literally be forced above the soil line by potato monsters that lurk and continue to grow below.

Red, White and Blue potato salad for the 4th of July? Sounds good to me! A serving or two of french fries is almost certainly on the menu. Roasted red potatoes with garlic? Bring it on!

But -- I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. For now -- let's enjoy that annual potato flower show.

And So It Begins...

Bird 2012 Heirloom Tomato Crop (Partial)

Ready or not kids -- the 2012 summer gardening season is now swinging into full gear. Got those tomatoes planted yet? Check! What about those cucumber vines? Check! Watermelon and pumpkin seed planted? Check! Green onions? Carrots? Squash? Beets? All in? Good!

Now you can take a trip to the Bird Back 40 and give Bill and the wife that is Venus a hand! I'd like to tell you that the garden planting is all done but truthfully, with a garden this large and this diverse, there is always another seed to plant and another chore to accomplish. Short and sweet? It never seems to end.

I get the most joy out of watching the wife plant the heirloom tomato seedlings that we nurtured through the winter months. I'm still a poor study at that "hardening off" process, with leaves me with starter plants that look like they went through a northern squall before they reached the Backyard of Bird.

First Stage PVC Cage Construction

Rather than those green, leafy, picture-perfect starter plants that you see by the thousands at your local big box stores and area nurseries -- my plants are more like poor cousins. They are the "poster children" so to speak of a grower who turned on full bore sunlight before the plants were ready for the "Full Monty."

No matter I suppose. They look pretty darn good after the wife gets done with planting them. Add in some tender care, a fertilizer supplement or three, lots of prayer and just good fortune and the little darlings look pretty darn good. I was forced to install the first 16 PVC cages before the month of June -- which is a pretty good start by our book.

The First Stupice of 2012

Not only are they growing large, green and lush, nothing brings a smile to an heirloom tomato growers eye more than the site of actual TOMATOES forming on those great looking plants. Tomatoes we have Ladies and Gentlemen. You can always count on the Czech import "Stupice" (Stoo-Peach-Kah) to produce an early bushel. I discovered this after growing this variety for the first time last year. It's back for a second run in 2012.

Venus and I have set about 28 plants into the ground so far and we are slowly clearing out spring garden space for more. Because in the world of heirloom tomatoes, the mathematical equation of "X number of heirloom tomatoes" yields the answer of "Never Enough."

Tomatoes Love Radishes

I wish I could tell you the exact names of every variety I've planted, but that would force me to run outside with a flashlight to read little sticks where the wife has scribbled something closely related to chicken scratch. I would be forced to return with the report that we're growing the varieties of "Blargh" and "Snizzle," which wouldn't be exactly correct.

It's safe to say that we're growing a lot this year -- which includes a lot of new varieties like the Indigo Rose. This isn't exactly heirloom territory. The Indigo Rose is a rather new entry into the world of tomato culture. Recently developed at Oregon State University, Indigo Rose is the first, true "designer tomato" in garden culture if you will. It turns dark purple when ripe and is supposed to contain high levels of antioxidants.

Indigo Rose Tomato

I guess that's supposed to be good for you, right? I'm all for healthy eating. Especially because I don't do nearly enough of it. I do know one thing, however. It probably won't improve the wife's writing. Which means I'm looking forward to my first bite of "Blargh."

All fun and pranks aside, May marks the start of my favorite gardening season. Gardeners dream of a bushel of tomatoes and peppers every summer -- and that elusive goal of making your own fruit salad with everything harvested fresh from the backyard.

A thick slice of freshly harvested beefsteak tomato on my backyard barbequed hamburger? Sounds like healthy eating to me...

A Gift for Mother's Day

From L-R: Gene, Mildred, Mom, Francis. The Doran Clan

Mother's Day is somewhat difficult for both Venus and I. We both lost our mothers at far too young an age. Venus' mother passed from cancer in 2004, not long after we were married and barely a year after the birth of her first grandchild, Marquitos.

My mother, pictured above, 3rd from the left, passed at the age of 63 from a sudden heart attack in 1991. I was 27 years old and very much alone. It would be years before I would meet the love of my life in the wife that is Venus and the true healing would begin.

Bright Flowers for Mother's Day

I sometimes wonder what in the world marketing companies are thinking of when they blast loud statements that proclaim REMEMBER MOM ON MOTHER'S DAY!!!! Thank you, sir. I remember just fine. Thank you for reminding me. Not that I didn't want to be reminded.

I do sometimes allow myself to wonder what mom would think of the gardening paradise that Venus and I are slowly building in the Bird Back 40. Would she like it? A bit overboard perhaps? Mom was a fan of both gardening and citrus trees in the yard. She lamented often about a grapefruit tree that refused to grow an inch, nor would it set fruit.

Hanging Fuchsia

She was particularly pleased however, when my father-in-law and I dug up a rather unproductive lemon tree that had been sitting in a shady portion of the yard for years, not doing much of anything. Once we moved to a sunnier location, however, this do-nothing lemon bush suddenly sprang to life and started to deliver a bushel of large, sweet and sour lemons. Score points for the youngest son and father-in-law. She was pleased.

Spring was, by far, mom's favorite season. You could count on her visiting the plants section at our nearby Longs or Thrifty Drug Store and bringing home a plant or two. A six-pack of tomato starter plants almost always found its way into her shopping cart.

Fuchsia Flowers

And -- of course -- mother absolutely HAD to have her hanging fuchsia. Spring would not be complete without one or two fuchsias hanging from the back patio. I looked forward to the day when she would bring them home. It brightened up our rather drab Modesto backyard. It signaled the official start of summer. The long winter was officially over.

When I spotted this beauty hanging in the garden section of an ACE Hardware store in Tracy on the day before Mother's Day, well, it was an impulse purchase that simply could not be ignored. Mother would have appreciated the gift of a fuchsia on Mother's Day.

While mother may have loved her fuchsia -- they didn't love her back. Fuchsias do well in a coastal environment and also enjoy a bit of shady protection from the hot afternoon sun. But in late June and July, when the Delta Breeze shut itself off from the Modesto area and our famous furnace-like summers set in, the fuchsia was history.

Mom did her level best to keep it alive, but it would invariably shrivel up and die by mid-July. It was then that I would hear the familiar lament about the cooler conditions in her home state of Oregon and her dislike for the brutal summer conditions that graced our San Joaquin Valley.

I didn't understand mother's fascination with fuchsias then, but I do now. They were a reminder of her childhood in Eugene. It was there where fuchsias and blackberry vines grew wild and profusely. When her Modesto fuchsias kicked the bucket, it was a reminder that her childhood had done much the same.

So -- for you mother -- on this Mother's Day -- a fuchsia hangs for you in the Bird Back 40. I'm not sure how long it will live -- or if it will kick the bucket as so many of the Modesto fuchsias did. But this is how I remember you on Mother's Day.

Why We Garden

The Wife That is Venus with "Godzilla"

It's a seminal moment in the world of backyard vegetable garden. One doesn't grow an artichoke the size of the wife's head all that often. Yet that is the "vegetable of the day" that the wife that is Venus is holding. It's the garden payoff after coaxing artichoke monsters to grow into the size of Godzilla-like proportions during the fall, winter and early spring months.

The spring crop has arrived.

Venus and I have been munching on artichokes since harvesting the monster above right last weekend. The blast of warm rain during the week proved to be a welcome event as artichoke plants love cool, rainy weather and suck up the moisture.

Our Spring Artichoke Crop

Artichokes are one of those rare, coastal plants that will not only grow in the Sacramento region -- but thrive. The brutal onset of our furnace-like summer conditions ensures we will not get a followup fall crop, but it doesn't matter. By the time spring artichoke season ends? We will have consumed so many of them that just the sight of artichokes will bring on that familiar -- somewhat sick -- feeling.

Artichokes? Again? Really? I'd rather have a serving of frozen cardboard, please.

In other words -- the spring season quenches our artichoke desire just fine. There is no need for a repeat.

A unique variety: The Pineapple

Venus and I started growing artichokes when we first ventured into this world of vegetable gardening after the purchase of our first North Natomas spread in 2003. I use the word "spread" somewhat facetiously. Most North Natomas backyards are the size of mere postage stamps.

Why Sacramento City leaders argue against the ills of childhood obesity and then allow the construction of subdivisions with backyards not big enough for kids to skip a rope in is beyond me. Where do you expect them to run off that excess energy? The street?

Sorry -- I allowed myself to enter "rant" stage. Back to the subject: Monster artichokes.

Standard "Globe" Artichokes

Artichokes tend to grow rather quickly and will take up all available space. Many people have asked me how much room is needed to grow artichokes? My response is, "how much room do you have?" The point is, artichokes will take up that space and then keep right on growing into that spot you had reserved for azaleas.

In our case? With our smaller than small, postage-stamp sized backyard? We forced our artichoke plants to grow up rather than out. While this effort did work and did produce somewhat of a payoff, it also produced very tall and skinny artichoke plants that would sometimes snap in two due to the weight of the crop it was holding.

Our Artichoke Patch: One of Two

It was a sight that would bring tears to your eyes.

Venus and I started with four artichoke starter plants purchased from an Elk Grove nursery that has long since closed. I wish I could tell you the names of these varieties, but I honestly cannot. They were not labeled. We spotted four plants sitting on the corner of a shelf all those years ago and grabbed all four. End of story.

I didn't want to lose those productive varieties when my wonderful wife and I moved into our larger-than-life spread some years later. So, I proceeded to dig up the well developed root systems, stick them in pots, transported them to a new home and stuck them in a raised bed. They didn't so much as blink an eye. New growth emerged from the raised bed almost immediately. Transition = success.

The Pineapple: Unusual tips

But it's this very transition that does cause some consternation. These varieties -- which grow to massive sizes -- do not have a name. We call them our pineapple variety due to the well developed tips that appear on each artichoke. They look much like the rind of an pineapple. But this looks like no other variety grown in California -- commercially or in a garden setting.

Most artichoke leaves have a smooth, rounded ends. Some are somewhat sharper than others -- but none have this outlandish tip that is pin-sharp to the touch before cooking and quite soft after 90 minutes of steaming. I suppose it could be a mutation of the standard Globe or Imperial Star, or it could be a very old heirloom variety that has withstood the test of time in many a backyard garden.

Preparing for Harvest

No matter. This is our favorite variety for many a reason. The leaves are soft, buttery and tasty after cooking. The hearts are of a massive size -- the big payoff for an artichoke connoisseur. The early season stems are just as tender and flavorful as the heart itself with early season production, but will grow tough and stringy as the weather warms up.

No need to serve this baby with a side of anything other than a mixture of butter and garlic salt. This is a meal in itself.

I should know. I've had a few of them this past week. And a few more are yet to come. Venus and I expanded upon our artichoke experiment a few years ago. Instead of one or two plants, there are now seven or eight. That makes for a tasty crop.

Long live the Pineapple.

MORE ABOUT ARTICHOKES:

Saveur Magazine has a nice listing of artichoke varieties here (no sign of our Pineapple, however).

The Artichoke Advisory Board of California has a listing of commercial varieties here. Can you spot our mystery variety? We can't.

The Greens of Spring

Bowl of Home Grown Color

...And so it begins. My favorite garden season followed by my most treasured garden season. Spring and summer are a delight for gardeners like myself. These seasons bring a bounty of delectable, mouthwatering, homegrown produce like what you see pictured to your right.

Every last morsel in that bright yellow bowl came straight from the raised beds in the Bird Back 40. It hasn't been amended with anything purchased at a Farmer's Market, or our nearby Safeway or Raleys/Bel-Air. Not that I'm a critic of our local produce suppliers. It's just that -- well -- when's the last time you purchased a purple radish the size of a golf ball or larger at your local store?

Selection of Radishes and Asparagus Spears

I'm fortunate in that the wife that is Venus can grow one mean and mighty radish. She can turn an ordinary French Breakfast radish into a French Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. One might think a radish this size would have the fine taste of wood. Nope....

This is prime fresh greens season in the Bird Back 40 -- though if this blast of heat keeps up it will probably end as quickly as it started. Lettuce tends to bolt -- and quickly -- when our famous Sacramento furnace heats up. So -- enjoy it while you can because the season will be gone before you know it.

2012 Lettuce Crop-Bird Back 40

We're fortunate this year in that the starter plants were delivered to use courtesy of the Department of Plant Sciences at UC Davis. These starters were unlike anything I've seen before or since and have grown rapidly since Venus set them into the ground a little over a month ago. They have grown to the point where we can enjoy fresh greens and radishes nearly every night of the week.

The only thing that's missing? Why! Fresh, vine-ripened tomatoes of course!

Of all the varieties that we have growing in the Bird Back 40 this year -- I suppose I'm partial to the red leaf. It's unlike any red leaf lettuce I've ever seen before. Most lettuce varieties that are billed as "red leaf" have a touch of green in them -- usually at the base of each leaf. But not this variety. It's a straight, dark, wine-red, glossy color from start to finish.

Developing Head of Lettuce

I'm not sure if I'm sold on the look or taste, but both are darn good.

Home grown lettuce is unlike anything you're going to find in local stores. It's not packed with water like the standard, iceberg lettuce heads (my favorite for taco salad dishes). It's a little more dense. It's a little more dry. And it's a lot more tasty. You didn't think lettuce had a taste? Try home-grown lettuce. It's incredible.

I suppose the same is true with the radishes that are now spring from the soil with abundance. That round, red globe in the market produce section does indeed look like a radish. Unfortunately, it doesn't have the kind of snap-to-attention taste that a purple, pink or yellow Easter Egg radish has.

Venus' Used and Abused Salad Spinner

I suppose what I'm trying to tell you here is that this isn't just a salad. You can find an ordinary salad just about anywhere. Nope, this is better described as an experience. And our spring experience is just getting started, provided the blast-furnace of summer doesn't snap on a little too early.

It's spring. Time for a salad or two.

It's SWARM Season!

Hello Kitty Hive Back in Action

Hey Baby? Wanna get stung?

Gentlemen -- it's not the kind of pickup line that is going to win many style points -- if you get my drift. While some ladies might be up to the challenge, a line like this is likely to result in another type of sting, in the form of hand against cheek. That's her hand -- your cheek. So do be careful.

After many fits and starts -- SWARM season is finally underway in Northern California. The queens in wild colonies of bees that span many of our wild areas, including the Sacramento and American Rivers, have spent all winter building up brood populations. And once these numbers get to a certain point, the hive splits. A new queen emerges -- and the old queen leaves -- usually taking about half of the colony with her.

A Wild Swarm for our Neon Pink Hive

This is nature at its finest. This is how many backyard beekeeper hobbyists like myself, acquire new hives. The bees that you see flying about our neon pink Hello Kitty hive pictured above right and to the left are the result of a wild swarm. This was my very first swarm call. It was my very first attempt at capturing a boatload of bees, and bringing them home to the backyard, Hello Kitty Hive.

Whaddya know? It worked!

There are two ways to bring a colony of bees into your backyard: wild swarms and packaged bees. I must admit, I'm a fan of wild swarms over the packaged bees for reasons that I will get into a bit later. But first -- I need to thank someone. Her name is Lauren Scott. Thanks to Lauren, I have a wild swarm that is so large, so healthy and so active, that it will probably produce honey this year rather than next.

That's a nice advantage.

Swarm Catcher on the Loose!

If you're going to get into the swarm catching business, the number one rule of thumb is: BE PREPARED. Bees don't operate by the clock. They generally don't swarm at night, but can swarm in the morning, mid-afternoon or even late afternoon. There is a very short window of time for capturing a swarm like the one pictured above.

To put it short and sweet? There is no time to drive home, get dressed up in swarm catching duds, then return to the scene of the swarm. By that time it could be LONG gone, and you will have missed a golden opportunity. This is why I keep my beekeeping equipment in the back of my truck. Every tool a beekeeper needs to hive a wild swarm is right at my fingertips. You'll never know when a swarm call will happen. But, during the spring months, it will happen.

In the case of Lauren Scott? She noticed the buzzing activity outside her downtown Sacramento home about two weeks ago. Most swarms can be kind of scary to the uninitiated. They're loud. They make quite the racket. Bees will whiz and buzz right by your ears in a frenzied, excited, agitated state. If you have a fear of getting stung, getting caught near a wild swarm is not a nice place to be.

Lauren's Swarm-A FAT ONE!

However, this is often the safest way to approach a colony of bees. They are in an excited state because a queen has left the hive. Remember that bees are insects and react instinctively. The overriding instinct during a swarm is: protect the queen from harm. If you see a large mass of bees -- a swarm -- that has come to rest on a tree branch or a fence -- understand that there is a queen in the center of that mass. The worker bees and drones have come to rest around her.

Bees will react with a stinging party for two reasons: The first reason you may have learned as a child. If you step on a bee, and you're barefoot as I was all those years ago, you're going to feel a nice little jolt at the bottom of your foot. It is not pleasant. The second reason that bees will sting is an instinctual response to "protect the hive." If bees feel threatened by your presence around a hive, believe me, they will let you know it.

Swarm Collection Underway

But in the case of the wild swarm that Lauren spotted -- there is no hive to protect. Therefore, there is no reason for bees to sting. Indeed, bees are in their most docile state right after they've swarmed. Now, this doesn't mean that you should approach a swarm without protection. There are no guarantees in the world of beekeeping. And I'm not guaranteeing that you won't get stung once or twice if you get too close to a particular, agitated swarm. In the world of beekeeping, the number one rule of thumb is: Never Say Never. Capice?

I had spent the entire winter preparing for this swarm call. I'm still not comfortable enough around bees to approach a hive without protection. There are some beekeepers who will do this job in a t-shirt, shorts and sandals. This is not my approach. This is not for Bill Bird. Bill Bird is a chicken. Bill Bird opts for protection. And protection means a thick suit, gloves, veil, smoker, water bottle and more.

One more thing? The beekeeping community does not produce bee suits in Bill Bird type proportions. They probably do, but it would have to be a special order. I hate special orders. Special orders cost $$$. And if the "special order" suit is two sizes too small once it arrives? Tough luck beekeeper. Time to put on some shorts and sandals.

Preparing for Swarm Collection

So -- in my case? I improvised with a pair of common overalls from Dickies Mens Wear. While I would prefer these overalls to be in a white or light color, Dickies doesn't make anything that large in a white or light color. So -- you purchase the dark blue option and live with it. Working in dark colors around a hive isn't always the smartest option. In my bee suit I resemble a big blue bear. Bees and bears do not mix well. Bees don't like bears for the havoc they often bring when breaking into a hive for honey. A colony of bees can and will react with a stinging party if they are bothered by a particular dark color.

But in my case? I had no choice. It was either dark blue or shorts and sandals.

Swarm Below

The particular colony that Lauren spotted had come to rest against a fence post in a side yard of her downtown Sacramento home. I was lucky. That swarm could have landed on a tree branch 20 feet out of my reach. It could have landed on top of a home. It could have landed on a second story windowsill.

But, instead, this queen chose the temporary perch of a fence post that was about five feet off the ground. The workers settled around her. It was a mass of bees. Early swarms are large swarms. And this was one large swarm that would eventually cover five full frames. For beekeepers? This is like winning the lottery.

As I approached this mass of bees for the first time, I remembered the swarm catching lessons that I had learned from other beekeepers. The number one rule of advice? Stay calm. Stay focused. Bees can smell fear. After placing my swarm catching box on a waste can directly below the mass of bees, I sprayed them with smoke and then started squirting them with a water bottle.

Why I Keep Bees: Honeybee Pollinates Cherry Tree

Why the smoke? There's something about smoke that serves as a calming influence. It also reduces the numbers of bees that will attempt to fly away. The water acts as the same deterrent. Bees can't fly with wet wings. And the weight of the water will eventually cause this mass of bees to fall. This is exactly what I wanted, as I had strategically placed the swarm catching box just below them.

It is a magical sight when large swarms like this fall into a swarm catching box. It looks much like running water as streams of bees gently fall into the box below. Once the stream stops -- it's time to bring out the water bottle for more water treatment on the bees that remain firmly on the fence post. Your goal as a beekeeper is to ensure that the queen gets inside that box. Once she's there, the worker bees and drones will follow, almost like a small army.

The collection effort worked better than I ever could have imagined. When most of the bees had fallen into the box, I gently placed frames inside and closed up the top. I then proceeded to remove a small plug at the side of this swarm collection box. This was the real test of my efforts. If I had captured the queen? Bees would march right through that opening and into the box. If I hadn't captured the queen? There would have been a mad rush to escape.

Imagine the satisfaction that washed over me as I watched the bees march, two-by-two, side-by-side, through that small, dark opening and into the darkened swarm collection box. I had captured the queen. This swarm collection was a success.

Hello Kitty Hive

Despite this successful collection, I wasn't out the woods just yet. The next step was to transport the colony home and then "hive it" into the waiting Hello Kitty hive. Neither step is easy. Bees don't like long car trips. Have you ever taken a cat to the Veterinarian? Bees react in much the same matter. There's always that chance they'll come swarming up out of the swarm collection box and right into your face once the cover to the swarm collection box has been removed.

That's no fun. Trust me.

Luck, however, would once again prevail. The colony was calm. Most of the bees had settled onto the five frames inside the swarm collection box and showed no intention of leaving. The next step was to place each frame inside the Hello Kitty Hive -- shake the remaining bees out of the box and into the hive -- cover it and step away.

Once again -- Lady Luck was with me. As I stepped away from the hive and started to pull off my bee catching gear -- it suddenly struck me how easy this process was. I didn't notice that stray bee on my neck as I was congratulating myself on a job well done. I realized -- proudly -- that I hadn't been stung once during the entire process.

That is until that stray bee flew into my ear and proceeded to insert a well-placed DAGGER.

The joys of beekeeping.